off meds roller coaster ride...
hi again... thanks to the people who've read my first post and given feedback...
so i did not get a chance to fully update this whole process of the past four months of going off meds. to make a long story slightly shorter than it could be, basically the first couple of weeks when i had completely tapered off all three meds, depakote, seroquel and wellbutrin, i was tired and slept a LOT every day. that surprised me as depakote and seroquel actually make you tired and sleep more which is why i was taking them before bed, so i had expected to be more awake and have more energy, but that wasn't what happened.
then after about two weeks, the big "honeymoon" period of being off meds struck. it was, well, like a honeymoon, short lived joy and good stuff happening and then you "get back home" and reality sets in. basically i suddenly started waking up really early naturally, around 6, 6:30 in the morning, which never happens for me. i'm a total night owl and cannot get out of bed early unless i have to, which is why i have a job that starts at 11 in the morning. so suddenly i was up with the sun and full of energy! it was a peek into the world of all you morning early bird people and it felt great. i even went to a few early morning yoga classes. i was suddenly sleeping between 6 and 7 hours a night instead of my usual med induced 9 or more hour stupors. and i felt really grounded, good energy, no mania, no depresssion. people who knew i was off the meds were telling me i seemed great and i was really enjoying the feeling of just being in a body off of drugs. i considered what it would be like to not take meds even after getting pregnant and having baby; maybe, i reasoned, i could stay off the meds and just take seroquel every once in a while if things got hairy or manic, and wellbutrin if they went to the dark shadowy world of depression. basically, i thought i might be able to avoid taking the despised depakote, the mood stabilizer...
so the honeymoon went on for a few weeks, i think it lasted through april even. then there was a shift and the next stage was a lot of quick mood swings that never got too serious, but it was quite a bumpy ride. in one day i'd feel kind of down and tired, then anxious, even had a few hours of slight hypomania that grounded to an anxious or depressed halt. some of the time i just felt pretty normal and continued to wake up between 630 and 8, an absolute miracle for me. but i started sliding in may, every once in a while i couldnt get out of bed til 1030 or even 11 and would call in late to work but manage to get there.
then, the big shift to anxiety, stress, feeling overhwhelmed and down and mixed, every state of mind except for the highs which were not included in the mix, came when elvis (the little dog, he's a shnoodle, that's part schnauzer, part poodle and doubly cute) got sick with digestive issues. when the little guy gets sick, anxiety sets in, it's an instant trigger. over the years of owning elvis i've learned to manage the horrible anxiety that kicks in when he gets sick. it's a physical anxiety mixed with unmanageable worrying anxious thoughts and fears, hard to describe but just awful. the only thing that really helps it is the sight of the doggie feeling better, eating, enjoying his walks, acting like himself again. the good thing was that although he literally could not keep his shit together, i will spare you the details, he was acting his happy self, overjoyed to go outside. when not throwing up or shitting too much, he still had his appetite. to make a long story slightly shorter, in the space of a week i took him to the vet twice. there was the couple of days of anxious waiting to see if he did indeed have a hypothyroid which wouldn't be terrible, or if there was some mystery that needed to be solved by some further yucky procedures. hypothyroid he was and i happily started giving him his little yellow pill twice a day and hoped the shits would get normal. but alas, he stayed sick for more time after that, about a month, and i debated back and forth whether to take him in for an endoscopy. he was acting his happy self but the damn shits continued. sometimes he'd seem better and it would be back again. the good news is that just about a week and a half ago he started getting back to normal and my anxiety about his health subsided...
but meanwhile i was an anxious mess and stressed out, such that everything was multiplying my stress. trying to get pregnant was a major stress, each month being disappointed and having to start over again. nothing wrong with having to have lots of sex, of course, but when you want the baby to start growing so the hormones will set in and stabilize your moods (indeed, that is the good news about this whole process for bipolar chicks, once you get pregnant, the hormones help you out until birth when you can look forward to higher chances of postpartem depression and psychosis)... anyway the stress just mounted up and up and basically the past six weeks have been extreme anxiety, including a few pseudo panic attacks. poor denzel was really having to live with all this, and was very supportive for the most part, though he certainly had his own stress...
anyway to get to the point, on saturday july 1, i really lost it and got so freaked out and anxious that i really felt like i was acting like a different person. everyone who had the misfortune of coming in contact with me that day had to deal with a disociated monster. i must have left my psychiatrist about 6 messages over that weekend. i was so anxious and crazy (but no mania whatsoever, just mixed anxiety, extreme fear and self hatred and depression and feeling depersonalized or like i was somebody else, the bad witch marlena) that i did not remember getting a detailed helpful message from my psychiatrist on saturday. so i took 150 mg of seroquel as i frantically looked up info on the internet about multiple personality and borderline personality and a bunch of other disorders i was convinced i suddenly had in addition to bipolar disorder. i got through that first night by sleeping a lot in the afternoon from the meds. the next day i took more seroquel but started feeling really freaked out...
i'm not sure i want to write about the rest of that day. maybe next post. but you get the idea, the long and short of it is that i'm doing much better now and am still taking seroquel. i was told it would be ok as it was more important that i get stable and not go further into that madness. and then a few days later i found out i wasn't pregnant anyway, which still felt like bad news...
so i guess these notes from underground are not totally off meds as i am still taking the seroquel... i took today off from work as i needed it and i have an appointment with my wonderful psychiatrist. he's been there for me for over ten years, definitely my best experience with a med doctor.
elvis is happy and gaining back weight and i'm feeling pretty stable, so i'm appreciating the good things and the great people around me...
this blog is starting to feel a bit narcissistic and self-involved. i wish there was some way i could hear from other people struggling with bipolar disorder so i could say some things that felt more like i am connecting to people and offering encouragement or something. i didn't want to do a blog in the first place because they seem so egotistical me me me and this whole post feels like that...
any dog owners out there? maybe i should have done a dog blog where the focus was completely on elvis. it would feel less self involved. hello to all mixed breed scruffy doggies out there and their owners!!!
so i did not get a chance to fully update this whole process of the past four months of going off meds. to make a long story slightly shorter than it could be, basically the first couple of weeks when i had completely tapered off all three meds, depakote, seroquel and wellbutrin, i was tired and slept a LOT every day. that surprised me as depakote and seroquel actually make you tired and sleep more which is why i was taking them before bed, so i had expected to be more awake and have more energy, but that wasn't what happened.
then after about two weeks, the big "honeymoon" period of being off meds struck. it was, well, like a honeymoon, short lived joy and good stuff happening and then you "get back home" and reality sets in. basically i suddenly started waking up really early naturally, around 6, 6:30 in the morning, which never happens for me. i'm a total night owl and cannot get out of bed early unless i have to, which is why i have a job that starts at 11 in the morning. so suddenly i was up with the sun and full of energy! it was a peek into the world of all you morning early bird people and it felt great. i even went to a few early morning yoga classes. i was suddenly sleeping between 6 and 7 hours a night instead of my usual med induced 9 or more hour stupors. and i felt really grounded, good energy, no mania, no depresssion. people who knew i was off the meds were telling me i seemed great and i was really enjoying the feeling of just being in a body off of drugs. i considered what it would be like to not take meds even after getting pregnant and having baby; maybe, i reasoned, i could stay off the meds and just take seroquel every once in a while if things got hairy or manic, and wellbutrin if they went to the dark shadowy world of depression. basically, i thought i might be able to avoid taking the despised depakote, the mood stabilizer...
so the honeymoon went on for a few weeks, i think it lasted through april even. then there was a shift and the next stage was a lot of quick mood swings that never got too serious, but it was quite a bumpy ride. in one day i'd feel kind of down and tired, then anxious, even had a few hours of slight hypomania that grounded to an anxious or depressed halt. some of the time i just felt pretty normal and continued to wake up between 630 and 8, an absolute miracle for me. but i started sliding in may, every once in a while i couldnt get out of bed til 1030 or even 11 and would call in late to work but manage to get there.
then, the big shift to anxiety, stress, feeling overhwhelmed and down and mixed, every state of mind except for the highs which were not included in the mix, came when elvis (the little dog, he's a shnoodle, that's part schnauzer, part poodle and doubly cute) got sick with digestive issues. when the little guy gets sick, anxiety sets in, it's an instant trigger. over the years of owning elvis i've learned to manage the horrible anxiety that kicks in when he gets sick. it's a physical anxiety mixed with unmanageable worrying anxious thoughts and fears, hard to describe but just awful. the only thing that really helps it is the sight of the doggie feeling better, eating, enjoying his walks, acting like himself again. the good thing was that although he literally could not keep his shit together, i will spare you the details, he was acting his happy self, overjoyed to go outside. when not throwing up or shitting too much, he still had his appetite. to make a long story slightly shorter, in the space of a week i took him to the vet twice. there was the couple of days of anxious waiting to see if he did indeed have a hypothyroid which wouldn't be terrible, or if there was some mystery that needed to be solved by some further yucky procedures. hypothyroid he was and i happily started giving him his little yellow pill twice a day and hoped the shits would get normal. but alas, he stayed sick for more time after that, about a month, and i debated back and forth whether to take him in for an endoscopy. he was acting his happy self but the damn shits continued. sometimes he'd seem better and it would be back again. the good news is that just about a week and a half ago he started getting back to normal and my anxiety about his health subsided...
but meanwhile i was an anxious mess and stressed out, such that everything was multiplying my stress. trying to get pregnant was a major stress, each month being disappointed and having to start over again. nothing wrong with having to have lots of sex, of course, but when you want the baby to start growing so the hormones will set in and stabilize your moods (indeed, that is the good news about this whole process for bipolar chicks, once you get pregnant, the hormones help you out until birth when you can look forward to higher chances of postpartem depression and psychosis)... anyway the stress just mounted up and up and basically the past six weeks have been extreme anxiety, including a few pseudo panic attacks. poor denzel was really having to live with all this, and was very supportive for the most part, though he certainly had his own stress...
anyway to get to the point, on saturday july 1, i really lost it and got so freaked out and anxious that i really felt like i was acting like a different person. everyone who had the misfortune of coming in contact with me that day had to deal with a disociated monster. i must have left my psychiatrist about 6 messages over that weekend. i was so anxious and crazy (but no mania whatsoever, just mixed anxiety, extreme fear and self hatred and depression and feeling depersonalized or like i was somebody else, the bad witch marlena) that i did not remember getting a detailed helpful message from my psychiatrist on saturday. so i took 150 mg of seroquel as i frantically looked up info on the internet about multiple personality and borderline personality and a bunch of other disorders i was convinced i suddenly had in addition to bipolar disorder. i got through that first night by sleeping a lot in the afternoon from the meds. the next day i took more seroquel but started feeling really freaked out...
i'm not sure i want to write about the rest of that day. maybe next post. but you get the idea, the long and short of it is that i'm doing much better now and am still taking seroquel. i was told it would be ok as it was more important that i get stable and not go further into that madness. and then a few days later i found out i wasn't pregnant anyway, which still felt like bad news...
so i guess these notes from underground are not totally off meds as i am still taking the seroquel... i took today off from work as i needed it and i have an appointment with my wonderful psychiatrist. he's been there for me for over ten years, definitely my best experience with a med doctor.
elvis is happy and gaining back weight and i'm feeling pretty stable, so i'm appreciating the good things and the great people around me...
this blog is starting to feel a bit narcissistic and self-involved. i wish there was some way i could hear from other people struggling with bipolar disorder so i could say some things that felt more like i am connecting to people and offering encouragement or something. i didn't want to do a blog in the first place because they seem so egotistical me me me and this whole post feels like that...
any dog owners out there? maybe i should have done a dog blog where the focus was completely on elvis. it would feel less self involved. hello to all mixed breed scruffy doggies out there and their owners!!!
posted by marlena rivers at
11:55 AM
1 Comments:
i feel you. i also have issues with "mood instability." however, i think that "bipolar disorder" is kind of a stupid phrase. there is a tremendous amount of mood flux in human experience--a spectrum of "stability"---but i've found that thinking about myself as a "bipolar person" has brought me nothing but obsessive, hypochondriac thoughts and, yes, they can become quite self-absorbed at times, especially given the western historical romance surrounding the "giftedness" factor of being "crazy" and the imagined idea that there are people out there who are "normal." we're all suffering in different, horrible ways...it's what makes us human. don't let your diagnosis determine your identity or alienate you from others. also, lamictal has worked wonders for me, but we're all different. i've also found that taking zyprexa "as needed," during an intolerable mixed state is a comforting thought (if not a life-saving resource.) just my thoughts: take from them what you will. hang in there.
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