Trying to keep functioning

I'm trying to post about once a week and maybe even gain back some readers. Things are going better with the extra wellbutrin. I am trying to function more normally and not think too much about the internet scam. I am waiting to see if my daughter got into public prek for next year which is very nerve wracking as there are so few spots for schools in my neighborhood. I am still tired a lot of the time and it's hard to look at my very negative bank balance in the account that got scammed. luckily I have a separate account with the same bank that I can use.
I got my court date for small claims court for suing the bank and it's a long time away, July 28. I'm not sure who will come with me as my lawyer as my father might be out of town and I definitely need a lawyer to plead my case to the arbitrator. I'm having a tough time staying positive about it and hoping I will beat the bank as they did lie to me and it affected all my actions that day.
Anyway at least for now my daughter is in school right now, she goes two days a week. If she doesn't get into public pre k she will probably not go to school next year and I will be stuck dealing with it taking care of her and trying not to get us both bored out of our minds. If she gets in she gets to go five days a week which would be great for me giving me a lot of extra free time. The odds are definitely not in her favor. I need two miracles to happen out of nowhere, for her to get in to a program and for me to win back my money from the bank and be able to pay my bills.
I had a weird dream just now while napping. There was a big ligt green caterpillar in my kitchen but it was not cute. It was very creepy looking and I didn't want to squash it because it was so big and fat and because I assumed it would eventually become a butterfly and no longer be scary looking. I don't remember the rest of it...

Back after a long hiatus with big PTSD

Hi to the few people who read this blog, to which I have not posted for over a year. I am trying to come back to it again and gain from the therapeutic benefits of posting and getting helpful supportive comments. It's been almost two years, on june 8 it will be two years since elvis' death.
the latest thing that sent me into a swirling dissociated depression happened several weeks ago. i got completely swindled on the internet to the tune of about 2500 dollars. someone contacted me about reiki. i'm an advanced reiki practitioner and advertise on some websites so i often get emails from people. back in beginning april someone pretending to be a client from england contacted me about coming to the US for several reiki sessions and told me about a recent thing that happened to her that got her depressed. in that email she said she wanted to prepay with a cashiers check. to make a very long story short, i should have at that moment told her i only accept cash and not cashiers checks but i didn't spot it so began a long back and forth with this fake person including several missed sessions and fake reasons for not leaving the country and insisting on prepaying. anyway i got a check in the mail for almost three thousand dollars and still didnt suspect anything. i ended up spending a day taking cash to western union to send to her. the reason i did it was that i was stupid, but also that my bank lied to me. i asked the teller several times if the check was good and would not bounce and he told me yes. of course the next day friday the thirteenth of may, i was buying medication of all things and my bank card showed i had a minus balance. i rushed to the atm to look at my balance and realized the check had been fake and bounced.
what followed was a downspin into PTSD, self hatred, self blame, going over and over the events and what i could have done differently, crying every day about it and freaking out. my father is a lawyer and told me we could sue the bank in small claims court. but he was having terrible back pains and going into surgery soon after that. he is still healing from it and i have the papers i have to go on tuesday to file in person at the small claims court. then in about three weeks on a thursday night we get to pick an arbitrator or judge to hear our case against the bank. i stupidly looked up some things on the internet and started getting depressed that i would never win the case and get my money back from the stupid bank but my father is still optimistic that the bank won't show up for the court date and the arbitrator will rule in my favor.
whatever happens at least today was a big turn in a better direction for me. yesterday i left a desperate message with my psychiatrist that i was going to take extra wellbutrin because i was fantasizing about going to the hospital and things like that. for once he called back quickly which he doesn't usually do and we decided i would try that before trying new meds. i think the boost in meds really worked quickly because i went from feeling like a depressed zombie who didn't care about anything in my life and wanted to just die or have a lobotomy so i would never remember this awful event to functioning, doing some cleaning in our very messy apartment which had added to my depression and just yesterday i felt like i could never do any cleaning and would just spiral down into a mess in my head and in the apartment. somehow throughout this my daughter has been in my care a lot but hasn't seemed to catch on to too much of my negativity and terrible mood swing to downward downward downward. throughout the events in a kind of haze i was aware that nobody had harmed her or my husband or me although at times i wished someone had harmed me physically instead of financially.
i think i'm getting better. i hope the wellbutrin doesnt ware off. this is the second time i've taken the highest dose of 400 mg for a while. i'm really hoping it will work along with just trying to force myself to function better and be nicer to myself while being completely broke and dependent financially on others.

am i out of the loop?

my keyboard is working now so i'd like to post at least once a week again and get back some of my readers and supporters.
these days i'm incredibly anxious. yesterday i took three klonopin to get through the rest of the day plus the two at night.
anyway i don't know if i should change my blog as elvis is dead and i already had my child so i'm not pregnant and can't recount elvis' life only be sad about his death.
is anyone out there still reading my blog?
any suggestions about how to get back in the loop with other bloggers, especially the bipolar blogosphere..???
anxiety is worse than depression as it feels so horrible in the body...

Missing Elvis

elvis died on june 8 2009;i miss him terribly.

my keyboard is broken so i will post more after i get it fixed as it makes it hard wrt ite without everything getting erased which has happened three times as i try to write this.

elvis is dying

elvis is dying of a brain tumor. no further doctor visits can do anything. i dont know how long to wait for him to go on his own which i would of course prefer. i dont want to have to bring him in for a last procedure. he's sleeping comfortably right now and when i look at him i can't believe he is dying.
i don;t like using words like "going" or whatever. death is death. i just feel so dissociated and unable to do anything right now. but babysitter arrives soon and i have work to do. he is in pain and discomfort but still eating when i feed him by hand.
this love is so painful i love him so much... his 17th bday is in end of july. he's a leo/born in year of the monkey 1992.

comix from yesterday

my new comix

very excited to introduce my new comix, some in style made while hanging out with baby, with her scribbles on it, adding to the aesthetic appeal...
anyway the new representation involves me being a bunny. i think of one artist who did a lot of bunnies. unfortunately he passed away and ended in a bad way. i forgot his name but he drew lots of bunnies. he definitely had some kind of issue like schizoaffective disorder. anyone know who he is. there was a whole documentary about him that was great.
anyway i do think of him when drawing the bunny. he drew everyone as bunnies and got shown at the museum of modern art here in nyc.
i am still in need of taking my morning meds. time to go take them now.

Sluggish depression...

The fogstan foggy beetle...

Part 2, A difficult day...

Comix at last and a lot!

here they are finally! my new comix posts!!! Read the one below first! I screwed up the order...