Saturday, April 07, 2012
Friday, April 06, 2012
Getting Back in the Game: Followers
I'm in my early 40s and have been dealing with this illness for over 20 years so I have a lot to say about it. Most people in my life who don't know about my illness would have no idea as I am one of those "high functioning" types.
I will be taking my meds for the rest of my life. I've accepted that and I don't care that much as long as I don't grow two heads from taking them do long...
Almost time for therapy. More about that in the next post. I do miss my male therapist from a few years ago but this newer person is really good as well. I don't respond well to change...
Thursday, April 05, 2012
I have a big revelation, but I'm not sure I'm ready to reveal this stuff on here yet. It's kind of why I wanted to get back to this blog actually. I've been reading a lot of other Bipolar Blogs and it has gotten me inspired to write again.
As you who have read the old blog know, I got pregnant off meds, had a big manic (psychotic) episode and then the next big news was that Elvis, my schnoodle, got very sick with a brain tumor and a tumor on his leg and died on June 8, 2009. It was a terrible thing, both taking care of him while he was sick, while being the primary caretaker of my almost two year old at the time. Then he died and of course it was crushing. I miss him every day.
Now it's 2012 and a lot has transpired. I will reveal more on my next post which may end up on Wordpress, as a lot of the bipolar blogs I've been reading are on Wordpress...
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Trying to keep functioning
I got my court date for small claims court for suing the bank and it's a long time away, July 28. I'm not sure who will come with me as my lawyer as my father might be out of town and I definitely need a lawyer to plead my case to the arbitrator. I'm having a tough time staying positive about it and hoping I will beat the bank as they did lie to me and it affected all my actions that day.
Anyway at least for now my daughter is in school right now, she goes two days a week. If she doesn't get into public pre k she will probably not go to school next year and I will be stuck dealing with it taking care of her and trying not to get us both bored out of our minds. If she gets in she gets to go five days a week which would be great for me giving me a lot of extra free time. The odds are definitely not in her favor. I need two miracles to happen out of nowhere, for her to get in to a program and for me to win back my money from the bank and be able to pay my bills.
I had a weird dream just now while napping. There was a big ligt green caterpillar in my kitchen but it was not cute. It was very creepy looking and I didn't want to squash it because it was so big and fat and because I assumed it would eventually become a butterfly and no longer be scary looking. I don't remember the rest of it...
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Back after a long hiatus with big PTSD
the latest thing that sent me into a swirling dissociated depression happened several weeks ago. i got completely swindled on the internet to the tune of about 2500 dollars. someone contacted me about reiki. i'm an advanced reiki practitioner and advertise on some websites so i often get emails from people. back in beginning april someone pretending to be a client from england contacted me about coming to the US for several reiki sessions and told me about a recent thing that happened to her that got her depressed. in that email she said she wanted to prepay with a cashiers check. to make a very long story short, i should have at that moment told her i only accept cash and not cashiers checks but i didn't spot it so began a long back and forth with this fake person including several missed sessions and fake reasons for not leaving the country and insisting on prepaying. anyway i got a check in the mail for almost three thousand dollars and still didnt suspect anything. i ended up spending a day taking cash to western union to send to her. the reason i did it was that i was stupid, but also that my bank lied to me. i asked the teller several times if the check was good and would not bounce and he told me yes. of course the next day friday the thirteenth of may, i was buying medication of all things and my bank card showed i had a minus balance. i rushed to the atm to look at my balance and realized the check had been fake and bounced.
what followed was a downspin into PTSD, self hatred, self blame, going over and over the events and what i could have done differently, crying every day about it and freaking out. my father is a lawyer and told me we could sue the bank in small claims court. but he was having terrible back pains and going into surgery soon after that. he is still healing from it and i have the papers i have to go on tuesday to file in person at the small claims court. then in about three weeks on a thursday night we get to pick an arbitrator or judge to hear our case against the bank. i stupidly looked up some things on the internet and started getting depressed that i would never win the case and get my money back from the stupid bank but my father is still optimistic that the bank won't show up for the court date and the arbitrator will rule in my favor.
whatever happens at least today was a big turn in a better direction for me. yesterday i left a desperate message with my psychiatrist that i was going to take extra wellbutrin because i was fantasizing about going to the hospital and things like that. for once he called back quickly which he doesn't usually do and we decided i would try that before trying new meds. i think the boost in meds really worked quickly because i went from feeling like a depressed zombie who didn't care about anything in my life and wanted to just die or have a lobotomy so i would never remember this awful event to functioning, doing some cleaning in our very messy apartment which had added to my depression and just yesterday i felt like i could never do any cleaning and would just spiral down into a mess in my head and in the apartment. somehow throughout this my daughter has been in my care a lot but hasn't seemed to catch on to too much of my negativity and terrible mood swing to downward downward downward. throughout the events in a kind of haze i was aware that nobody had harmed her or my husband or me although at times i wished someone had harmed me physically instead of financially.
i think i'm getting better. i hope the wellbutrin doesnt ware off. this is the second time i've taken the highest dose of 400 mg for a while. i'm really hoping it will work along with just trying to force myself to function better and be nicer to myself while being completely broke and dependent financially on others.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
am i out of the loop?
these days i'm incredibly anxious. yesterday i took three klonopin to get through the rest of the day plus the two at night.
anyway i don't know if i should change my blog as elvis is dead and i already had my child so i'm not pregnant and can't recount elvis' life only be sad about his death.
is anyone out there still reading my blog?
any suggestions about how to get back in the loop with other bloggers, especially the bipolar blogosphere..???
anxiety is worse than depression as it feels so horrible in the body...