i don't know what to call this...
i don't know what to call this post or what to call what goes on in my mind. what a strange day, at least the end of it. at the end of the shower i threw for a very pregnant friend, i randomly opened this book i have, frederick frank's "art as a way" to show someone about his method of art and zen and came across these old lost peices of paper i had ripped out of the book and written on during my first manic episode about almost 19 years ago. i didn't look too closely as it was really creepy and crazy stuff, though there was a nice photo of me i had ripped out of my high school yearbook, a friend at the party gave me a lovely compliment by saying i hardly look any different. i may be more sane now but i'm also more vain!
anyway i just looked at the pages and read them and they brought me back to how super psycho beyond just mania i had gotten at that time. i probably wrote that stuff the day before or day i ended up in the hospital.
well the weird thing was after the party i forgot about the pages in the book and eventually went off to see a movie by myself, "little children". i was not prepared for it. i like kate winslett, i'm a big fan and go to all her movies. i just thought it was a typical movie about a dissatisfied lonely mother who has a suburban affair. instead, i was transported into the world of the minor character who pervades the movie, ronnie, the mentally ill guy recently release from jail who is a child molester. ( i think in the book it's more spelled out that he molested someone and in the movie they suggest he flashed a minor but they don't get too specific although he's obviously done some creepy things.) so there i am expecting to just be watching a modern day madame bovary but instead the intense part of the movie involves this guy. i wont' give it away in terms of what happens, but his character is well written, to the point where i really felt for this lost lonely alienated guy who lives with his mother and can't be a "normal" person. after seeing the movie, i was so disturbed by what happens to him that i started to feel "crazy" myself. i just started getting this familiar feeling of feeling like i'd been doing a great performance pretending to be a functioning adult and suddenly felt like i did when i was crazy. it's hard to describe. i managed to call denzel and get home and talked to a good friend who had read the book and understands a lot about my bipolar stuff.
now i'm feeling a little more grounded but was weirded out when i remembered seeing those pages from the past and took them out before writing this post. among all the disturbing psychotic stuff on the pages there are some funny things i wrote like" TRY TO BE MORE CONFUSING THAN I AM" . it's all written in capital letters. on one page i glued a picture of janis joplin who was my idol at the time and wrote some weird stuff about her becoming part of me after she died. it's too embarrassing to quote the stuff in these pages. i can't throw them out though. somehow they feel quite poignant, a reminder of a former self who still resides somewhere in me.
i just wonder what will happen one day if my child sees that stuff. i'll certainly keep it hidden so the child would only see it many years hence when i'm dead and s/he's reading my old journals and seeing how crazy his/her mom really was...
truly it is hard to convey the extreme intensity of what i felt after seeing that movie. it's happened before, like with the movie "a beautiful mind". objectively i did not like how the movie avoided some real things about the man and kind of sugar coated things that were too "difficult" like his bisexuality. but the scene at the end when he talks about the price of sanity for him being that he has to ignore and not engage with or listen to his "delusions" the private friends in his mind that he'd been so close to for so many years of his life, that got to me a lot. it seemed to really express the aspect of loss that occurs with trying to be sane. to be continued. i thought if i wrote about this i'd feel less crazy...
anyway i just looked at the pages and read them and they brought me back to how super psycho beyond just mania i had gotten at that time. i probably wrote that stuff the day before or day i ended up in the hospital.
well the weird thing was after the party i forgot about the pages in the book and eventually went off to see a movie by myself, "little children". i was not prepared for it. i like kate winslett, i'm a big fan and go to all her movies. i just thought it was a typical movie about a dissatisfied lonely mother who has a suburban affair. instead, i was transported into the world of the minor character who pervades the movie, ronnie, the mentally ill guy recently release from jail who is a child molester. ( i think in the book it's more spelled out that he molested someone and in the movie they suggest he flashed a minor but they don't get too specific although he's obviously done some creepy things.) so there i am expecting to just be watching a modern day madame bovary but instead the intense part of the movie involves this guy. i wont' give it away in terms of what happens, but his character is well written, to the point where i really felt for this lost lonely alienated guy who lives with his mother and can't be a "normal" person. after seeing the movie, i was so disturbed by what happens to him that i started to feel "crazy" myself. i just started getting this familiar feeling of feeling like i'd been doing a great performance pretending to be a functioning adult and suddenly felt like i did when i was crazy. it's hard to describe. i managed to call denzel and get home and talked to a good friend who had read the book and understands a lot about my bipolar stuff.
now i'm feeling a little more grounded but was weirded out when i remembered seeing those pages from the past and took them out before writing this post. among all the disturbing psychotic stuff on the pages there are some funny things i wrote like" TRY TO BE MORE CONFUSING THAN I AM" . it's all written in capital letters. on one page i glued a picture of janis joplin who was my idol at the time and wrote some weird stuff about her becoming part of me after she died. it's too embarrassing to quote the stuff in these pages. i can't throw them out though. somehow they feel quite poignant, a reminder of a former self who still resides somewhere in me.
i just wonder what will happen one day if my child sees that stuff. i'll certainly keep it hidden so the child would only see it many years hence when i'm dead and s/he's reading my old journals and seeing how crazy his/her mom really was...
truly it is hard to convey the extreme intensity of what i felt after seeing that movie. it's happened before, like with the movie "a beautiful mind". objectively i did not like how the movie avoided some real things about the man and kind of sugar coated things that were too "difficult" like his bisexuality. but the scene at the end when he talks about the price of sanity for him being that he has to ignore and not engage with or listen to his "delusions" the private friends in his mind that he'd been so close to for so many years of his life, that got to me a lot. it seemed to really express the aspect of loss that occurs with trying to be sane. to be continued. i thought if i wrote about this i'd feel less crazy...
Labels: anxiety, blogging, depression, mania, pregnant
posted by marlena rivers at
9:03 PM
6 Comments:
Lovely post, my friend. I feel strongly affected when I watch any movie with a person with a mental illness. And while I never feel that the illness is properly portrayed, I do appreciate that they made an attempt. I also find it a bit scary to read old writings during my unmedicated days. Especially, now since I am once again unmedicated. I fear revisiting those crazy days.
You will be extra emotional now and after the baby is born, be aware of that, and try not to get to wrapped up in things...just keep happy thoughts :)
thanks for the comments. funny, by chance tonight i watched most of the classic movie "harvey" about the guy with the "imaginary" six foot rabbit friend. it's a cute movie with a nice message, kind of, don't get rid of the insane part of the person as that is also the part that makes him such a wonderful person. quite an unusual message!
As Ol Lady said you will be more emotional! I was very emotional when I was pregnant and cried over the silliest things :)
I still cry over the silliest things but add pregnancy to it..I was beyond help..LOL!!!!
I cannot express enough to just enjoy it! IT is sooo very special and we aren't pregnant forever.
yes i'm trying to enjoy it, but i'm in that yucky stage where i can't wear my pants anymore because the waist/hip line feels too constricting but it's not time for maternity clothes. go to just wear dresses mostly. i haven't gained much weight at all but it's all in the boobs and the baby belly area...
I can identify with what you feel in many ways. I just graduated from college and am moving back to my parents house for a while, so as an effort to find a way to fit all of my college apartment stuff into my room, I went on a major organization binge.
I came across several sketchbooks (i'm an art school grad) from a few years back when I had my first (and so far only) manic episode. It was in my junior year of college, and as that is a confusing time anyway, it totally threw me out of wack.
I wrote feverishly in my sketchbooks for hours, often in fat permanent marker, in capital letters, and going in all directions. I kept coming up with these grand schemes and "inventions" (just little gadgets that would make painting easier and things along those lines), which i described and sketched in detail, and plans for a standup comedy act.
when I came down from the mania, I sunk into a depression, and looking at all I had written made me deeply ashamed. i didn't throw them out though- i taped them shut and put them in a box, which i didn't open until about a week ago. it was very hard to look through them- as i have only had one manic episode the fear of relapse hangs over my head constantly, and everything came rushing back. i pretty much stay in denial about it, so its hard to look at hard proof like that.
sorry for the long post- i accidentally stumbled across your post when searching the web and it really struck a chord. stay strong and congratulations on the pregnancy. i'll be sure to keep reading :)
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