biggest challenge of my bipolar pregnancy...

i've been wanting to express this in comic strip form for a while; it somehow could have come out better, but it's the best i can manage at 1am...
it is confusing enough dealing with bipolar episodes and constant monitoring of whether i'm manic, hypomanic, depressed, psychotic, mixed state etc. whether on or off medications, but being pregnant and bipolar throws in a real extra challenge -- hormones!
then the question becomes "am i being normal crazy hormonal pregnant or am i being crazy made more nutty by hormones but not at all norrmal for a pregnant lady at al, in other words, bipolar crazy and pregnant at same timel..." in some ways it's not that difficult. when i have symptoms that women describe having after having the baby or when they have postpartem issues, but i'm still pregnant, i know this ain't normal for being pregnant... when i feel crazy but it turns out, as denzel puts it "you're just exactly normal for being knocked up and so many months along! how does it feel to be just like everyone else at this stage! ha ha. i know how you hate to admit you're going through the same stuff every other hormonal pregnant woman goes through!!!" he likes to rub that in. i do admit that if i'm going to suffer through being bipolar and pregnant, at times i enjoy that i'm having a very unusual pregnant experience that brings me to deep levels of awareness of all the transformations i'm going through and that most pregnant women are protected from going to these places and lucky in that they don't suffer the torments of it, but at the same time they don't get the special experience of being so in touch with all this intense unconscious material that if you live through it without destroying yourself, the fetus and your partner and anyone else along the way, is quite an extra special experience... along with that i also get to have all the other regular normal pregnant hormonal stuff. so sometimes i confess i bask in my own admiration of my special crazy and pregnant status. i can't get too grandiose because denzel is around to bring me back down to earth...

More Confessions...

the bigger confession I should have drawn a comic strip of was an earlier sin I committed today. (funny how as a jewish superstitious atheist i freely employ all this dramatic wording from other religions, esp. these days, the catholics with "confessions" and "sin"... one thing i've gotten even more comfortable with due to pregnancy is all my inconsistencies and total contradictions...)

anyway earlier today i purchase a pair of designer sunglasses on sale, still at a high cost though they were more than half price. there was no need for them. even if i eventually have money to turn them into prescription sunglasses and wear them as regular ones until them, i do not need them. but they were ultra cool looking and i enlisted a friend who has kids herself and is trying not to spend extra money to tell me they looked great on me and stand there while i bought them.

this is not a purchase to be making with only weeks left before baby girl arrives, when i am in debt and will need extra money in the first couple of months of motherhood. on the other hand i'm sure the baby will be happy to see me stroll her down the street in her new lightweight stroller wearing those sunglasses and the sandals i got a few weeks ago in bright colors to match her stroller. she will be delighted and thinking, this was a very necessary purchase. i was there when you made it and got a nice rush of excessive spending high from you, thanks mom... of course this is not something i will be doing when she is here outside my belly.

also getting ready to get rid of another major sin very soon. the tv! i grew up with no tv and we both want to get rid of our tv and bring up baby without tv. i'll stil want a screen of some sort to watch movies on as i do not consider my film interests to be bad influence on baby and they are easier to keep away from her. i returned my baby einstein dvd after reading that article that came out and realizing it's best of all to just read to her and have denzel play music and sing to her...

otherwise going through all kinds of ups and downs and emotions. yesterday i passed the vet elvis goes to and saw a vet tech walking a little cute doggie with one of those plastic shades on her head and practically burst into tears. not sure if it was seeing the elizabethan collar on the dog or somehow missing elvis' baby days or some kind of reminder of times elvis has been in the vet or sick. almost cried on the subway tonight after intense therapy session...

having weird dreams again like i did in the beginnign of being pregnant...

the long block finally ended...

not feeling too well. stressed out and kind of dizzy, but i wanted to post these before lying down...

still no comic strip...

feeling ok now but earlier in the day i cried a few times... yesterday i cried on the way to the baby party with denzel. my friend and her husband and beautiful baby had a very nice party for us but i was not in a great mood at the beginning. everyone seemed to have a good time and i was glad in the end that i had decided to have a coed party rather than a typical shower. we've gotten some great and lovely gifts for the baby.
plus the ice cream cake! i splurged on a yummy ice cream cake that was great. i had two pieces and i know it was good because my picky gourmet mother had two pieces. my father also came to the party and they enjoyed hanging out with my friends. my sister brought her kids and husband.
by the time we got home i was feeling uncomfortable and sort of muscle pain from the fetus moving around and stretching.
i'm still anxious about everything and also money.
today i took elvis out for his late birthday special walk to the park by the water and he enjoyed it and had a lot of energy. i cried on the way there and on the way home and when i got home.
denzel and i took a long walk in the pouring rain and got soaked looking at dressers to possibly use for the baby. there was a bamboo type tray at a store that we joked about being the perfect baby changer. we'll probably just change her on the bed or the dining room table with a towel. i'm starting to get annoyed at all the ridiculous marketing geared at making new parents spend money they don't have.
i feel huge and can't believe how big i am and don't recognize myself anymore though friends say the nice thing about me looking the same except for the big belly. at least my face is not all puffy. i dont' understand how people say they love being pregnant. i am happy to have the baby moving inside me but i don't love being pregnant. i miss my meds and my old normal body and being able to bend over and cut my own toenails and do activities like exercise (which i was so not into before being pregnant but there's nothing like being unable to do something to make you want to do it) and having energy. and the crying feels weird, i feel like i'm a kid crying and scared and helpless.
tomorrow we go back to the doctor.

anxious again...

hi, thanks for all the nice comments about soon to be baby photos/sonogram.
it's fun to imagine that face/head is inside me right now and quite surreal.
meanwhile i'm feeling quite anxious. just the usual things. hard to sleep at night and that's when i focus too much on not feeling prepared, feeling disorganized, worrying how elvis will adjust. worrying that we won't have all the stuff we need to have when she arrives, worrying that i'll have an episode and have to take meds and stop breastfeeding etc.
it's now the countdown to going to the hospital which is also anxiety provoking...
and i keep wanting to make a comic for the blog and not doing it...

happy photos!

3d sonogram pictures fresh from yesterday morning. note her adorable nose. certainly was the best thing for cheering me up! it was great to see her. she's now almost 4 pounds!

depressed

depressed and unmotivated. have not had any work so i've been napping and sitting on the couch eating crackers. the most i did was to take elvis for short walks. can't seem to do anything or bother with anything. have not been able to visit other blogs. feeling crappy.

a quick followup

hi everyone, thanks for the support and advice.
the good news is that elvis had a great time at my parents and they treated him as wonderfully as they have always done. my mother even took him for a very long walk yesterday. i seem to forget that she complains and vents and criticizes in advance of things and makes things out to be a disaster beforehand and then the reality works out much better. i know i get that quality from her myself and work on curbing it as i do recognize it in myself and denzel notices it when i do it and calls me on it. unfortunately my mother is not always so aware of her behaviors and it does not help to point things like that out to her.
but she really is very thoughtful and caring in the end and comes through.
however i am still in distress/stress about what to do soon when i have the baby. i'm hoping my parents will soften up and change their minds and offer to let elvis stay with them, especially if denzel can come over during the day to do some of the walks and then go back to the hospital.
meanwhile i guess i'll investigate other options, like finding a referral from the vet of a good person who might house sit and take care of elvis. there are people out there who are expert at taking good care of old dogs with specific issues and i'll have to do some research and consider spending time and money on it. a kennel or doggie day care is just out of the question. elvis will soon be sixteen and he is in good health at moment but has a chronic issue with his back and very specific diet and medications and also gets extremely worsened by stress of unfamiliar situations and my own stress, so putting him in an unfamiliar environment with total strangers and cages or whatever is not going to give me peace of mind...
i'll continue posting about this as it is a major source of stress along with everyhting else about having the baby soon, etc.

i'm also aware that i'm probably very nervous about how he will do with having the baby around. he is pretty much my first born child and i'm so attached to him that i want to make sure he's ok during this strange transition and change and addition of new member to the family.

by the way, we managed to have a great trip and it was nice to get away from the city and nice to come back and be reunited with elvis. i got my usual return to city adn my life anxiety tonight...

Top 10 Most Challenging Life Experiences...

i decided to try a list of them, the ones i've actually experienced so far, so having a baby can't be on the list yet...

1. death of a loved one
2. serious illness of a loved one
3. first time experience of psychosis and hospitalization
4. being pregnant with no medications for bipolar
5. bipolar "disorder" and all that comes with it, including dealing with its effect on one's loved ones
6. moving
7. dealing with anger and disapointment, conflict and confrontation from others
8. taking care of a dog coming out of anasthesia
9. high school and living through it
10. ages 13 through 28 and living through them

i am sure there are others that are worse that i have repressed, such as witnessing cruelty, violence and abuse, being mugged and some other things i probably "forgot" as i would not want to list them here...
if anyone else feels like making such a list, let me know and i'll check it out!

elvis' big day is tomorrow!

just a quick note, thanks for all the comments and for people who had experience with teeth procedures and their animals...

i'm a little less worried after talking to the vet on the phone yesterday. anyway tomorrow morning i bring him in for his teeth. turns out the cleaning only takes about 15 minutes and then it's a bit longer if they extract any teeth. it will be great to have it over with and know that it's good for preventative health that it's all done.

elvis is doing great. of course he has no idea he's going to the vet tomorrow. i pick him up tomorrow night.

i've had an up and down week but managed ok. today i got a haircut and wasn't sure i liked it but denzel took some photos of me and elvis and the belly to send people who haven't seen us in a while and i felt pretty good about my hair and my looks, which was nice...

block

for some reason, maybe i just have no energy. i have been unable to get back to doing my comic strip for this blog. it really annoys me as i enjoyed posting the comic strip and expressing something original about myself and my experiences and especially bringing elvis to life.

for one thing my desk is stilled piled high with stuff. even my scanner that i would need to use to scan the comics has a stuffed elephant mom and baby that i found recently and had to buy. they stand on top of my scanner to remind me of the side of me that is a potential good mommy.

i'm still anxious and unmotivated to do anythign in the apartment. but i'm definitely feeling more stable than the last weeks of may, so that's a good thing.

elvis is getting his teeth done next friday. i'm terrified. trying not to think about it now. focusing on how puppylike and energetic he's been and how he's walking fine even running. the glucosamine did not work out as the beef pill pockets that i was going to eventually put the pills in started to give him beginnings of diarhea so i and the vet agreed to forgo the beef pockets and glucosamine. poor elvis. he really liked those beef treats. now he has to go back to waiting once a month for beef flavor in his anti-heartworm pill treat instead of getting a pillpocket twice a day. it was fun giving them to him as he really enjoyed them. but not worth messing up his fragile little digestive system.

he's so wonderful i continue to marvel at his beautiful being. seeing him trot down the street so excited to be outside on nyc's dirty garbagefilled sidewalks and sniffing all kinds of stuff, is better than any medication to remind me that i'm already so blessed by having him in my life for the past fourteen years or so. i think dogs are injected with extra godliness divinity at birth as they stay that way all their life. as opposed to us humans who turn into, well, humans. it's no wonder that dog is god spelled forwards and god is dog spelled backwards!

elvis back to his old self! me back to messier self...

the good new is that elvis is doing much better, back to his 14 year old puppy self, even doing some of his adorable puppy like things like getting enthusiastic puppy energy and bounding around before going downstairs to his walks. some of his slowness last week especially on wed. was due to the rabies shot which i found out makes you exhausted and stiff in the muscles.

he's now getting special beef pill pocket treats after meals to see if he can digest them ok and prepare him for getting cosequin, a glucosamine supplement for arthritis. of course i'm partly wondering if i should even give him the pill as he seems much better, but the vet noticed arthritis when she examined him even though he moved fine when i walked him around in front of her.

the main new stress about him is that i have to get his teeth cleaned this month and he has not had that done yet. it's bad to let it go further as his teeth are not in great condition but they have to put him out for it and of course i'm super worried about it.

in general i think my trip into the dark and familiar zone of the more crazy parts of my mind has ended for now with a return to better places, but i'm very anxious and tired, totally exhausted. i had fine plans to go through piles of things on my desk and try to do some cleaning as things are more disorderly than ever but i got home from an outing late afternoon and went straight to bed. i'm constantly tired and have no motivation. all the stereotypes about being pregnant and nesting are bullshit where i'm concerned.

i've been trying to resign myself to the baby arriving in a messy disorderly apartment and that plenty of slobs bring up happy children. it sucks that the media paints a picture of organized expectant parents happily painting special things on the walls of a sparkling baby room and a clean neat organized apartment or house. when i was growing up i used to feel trapped in a family of neat people and hated being told to clean my room. now i'm worried my poor baby will be trapped in a chaotic totally messy disorganized house. i've lost all hope of things getting pulled together. we only have a few more months left and i can barely keep my papers in order and pay bills on time, much less pick up clothing and keep the kitchen neat, a bare minimum. the idea that we can reorganize the apt. and build storage space and transform it in time for the baby seems hopeless. i'm realizing i'm still slightly depressed but in this case the feeling of resigning myself to the worst case scenario seems a lot more comforting than having grand ambitions for our place and making room for baby. you can't be disappointed when you resign yourself to the reality of your own limitations. it's also just too hard to motivate or imagine that i can motivate when i'm pregnant and constantly tired. just keeping up with the bare minimum of one day at a time is a huge challenge.

the idea of a baby shower is scary and daunting. more stuff to put in the middle of the apartment. there's no more room under the bed or under the big dining room table so anything we get or are given for the baby will just go in the middle of the loft.

i have rescue fantasies of some magic person coming over and fixing everything. i've watched too many reality tv show of makeovers. denzel would never let someone come and reorganize our place anyway. but i admit i've had fantasies of waving a wand and everything being organized and fixed in two seconds with no suffering of dealing with the worse chaos that occurs when you start moving things around to reorganize in a place that does not just feel like a big close/garbage dump but in fact is. tonight is indeed garbage night. it's usually my thing to take out the trash or make sure denzel does it but i don't really care. i know how far i've descended when i can't find favorite items of clothing and dont bother looking for them.

i woke up this morning with grand plans to have new energy and tackle my desk and area and clothing areas and closet but that was a fantasy. i'm back to not caring and feeling the ultimate lazy slothful feeling that is a big part of my personality. as i get older i only get worse as i get better at living in messier and messier and more disorganized environment. sometimes it seems to mirror my inner situation and gets me down even more. sometimes i think this is actually a strength. all the neat freaks out there with perfect and organized apartments are sitting on total fear of the real chaos that is life and their own emotions. at least i'm totally aware of and living in my chaos and lack of control or anything. but i'm wondering how great it is to bring up a baby in this kind of environment. i guess i'll just have to hope that the baby will see that life is messy and disorganized and uncertain and chaotic but love can be grown in very messy places and love is messy anyway...

any words of encouragement or support greatly appreciated. i''m not sure this post conveyed all my fear and anxiety and exhaustion with worrying about how to deal with the mess of the environment and the big fear of the bigger mess of figuring out how to manage my life when the baby is here and be a good enough mother. i had great hopes of drawing a fun comic about elvis but that went out the window with my big plans of getting organized. i'll probably walk him and make a bigger mess getting ready for bed. sometimes i notice i retreat to bed to hide from the rest of the mess. somehow the messy bed is a slight haven to hide from all the clutter and mess.

tag, i'm it... very late in the game...

ok. better late than never. thanks to nicole for tagging me. i hope i know how to insert the right codes for this. i'll of course tag people who visit me often. sorry if you've been tagged already. i guess you don't have to do this twice!

well ok. i realize what the problem is. I am using safari on a mac so i will have to just list the website addresses as they don't seem to give me options for making links within this post. sorry.

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1)Baby Moxie
2)Kicking You From The Inside
3)Third Time Lucky?
4) Just Crazy Enough To Try
5) bipolar notes from underground (off meds)

Next select five people to tag: (if you haven’t done it already) i have to just list the web address as i am not capable of linking directly. sorry
1) This Side of Reason; http://mydisplaced.blogspot.com/
2) Coming out of the Dark; http://bipolarmadness.blogspot.com/
3) Bipolar in the CIty; http://bipolarinthecity.blogspot.com/
4) Kill the Goat; http://saintvodkaofthemartini.blogspot.com/
5) The Wife of a Schizophrenic; http://the-wife-of-a-schizophrenic.blogspot.com/

What were you doing ten years ago?
may of 1997. i was probably dealing with a depressive episode and avoiding getting involved with anyone romanticwise...

What were you doing one year ago?
may of 2006. dealing with having just gone off meds to get pregnant. i was about two months into no meds and having a lot of sex. probably also worrying about my dog as he had diarrhea a lot around that time and needed special medications... maybe i had already started this blog. can't remember. dealing with anxiety for sure...

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. ice cream, ice cream, and more ice cream, often with peanut butter
2. potato chips, (the ruffles kind, salt and vinegar, the expensive kind with exotic flavors) with whipped chive cream cheese on them
3. really creamy hummous on rice cakes or pita
4. chocolate, dark or white, preferably with peanut butter
5. pickles of course...

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. when i'm 64, the beatles
2. denzel's special song for our unborn baby all about her name
3. jingle bells
4. michelle ma belle, the beatles
5. other beatles songs too numerous to list
(basically i'm terrible at singing and have a bad memory but the beatles were part of my childhood.)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. get a huge new place, like a brownstone or building in our current neighborhood with a great baby room, lots of storage, a studio for me that's ideal, a great studio/workroom/music room for denzel, an outdoor space for doggie and us and a wonderful roof top and great basement!!!
2. pay off all my debts immediately and invest some of the money wisely...
3. plan a wonderful trip (maybe a short two week one for now before baby last minute and one for when she is around 8 months old to take her with us) and find the perfect caretaker for elvis who will take extra good care of him and have a lot of vet knowledge while we are away to housesit as well in the above mentioned mansion!
the trip would probably include a visit to japan
4. help out some starving artist friends with money, not purely a gift, but as an investment in their projects to help them get the projects off the ground...
5. buy land and build a really cool country house that denzel would design!

Five bad habits:
1. laziness, procrastination and disorganization, they all go together for me
2. eating too much ice cream and unbalanced diet, even and especially while pregnant
3. not putting things away, general slobbiness
4. self hatred
5. complaining and worrying

Five things you like doing:
1. being with my dog
2. drawing and painting
3. nothing (literally, i like sitting and doing nothing, staring into space and not moving)
4. camping with denzel
5. watching the food network channel

nightmare during sleep and stress during awake...

hi again and thanks for everyone's wonderful support. i plan to catch up on all your blogs after doing this post.

i'm doing better since last post but the past few days have been still difficult and my mood is still shaky. yesterday was quite stressful for various reasons. and we did not sleep much last night, denzel and i. we were supposed to go to the country with elvis to visit a friend but this morning we we're too tired and stressed out from yesterday. yesterday was difficult but good for our relationship as i was able to be there for denzel dealing with some difficult issues with people in his life.

anyway last night was not good for sleep and i had a horrible dream about having the baby and the surgery. the baby did not appear in the dream but it was leading up to getting the c section. i won't describe the dream but it was not restful sleep.

then when i woke up early and took little elvis out i noticed he was walking strangely. we had taken him out at about 4am when we were not sleeping and he had been fine. he seemed to be limping by a few hours later. then we decided not to go away anyway and i got very anxious about whether to take elvis on an emergency appontment to the vet or wait and see how he was doing. i called two of his vet offices and talked to a nurse at one. from what she said it did not sound terrible to wait and see how he is in the next few days. he is eating normally and just as excited to go out on his walks. he doesn't make any noise of any kind of pain and his front leg that seems to be limping does not seem abnormal or swollen. he puts weight on it when walking and peeing. he's been resting most of the day and doing his usual stuff so i decided not to panic and stress him out by rushing to the vet and having to pay an extra 100$ plus the visit as they had no regular appointments left.

i just took him out again and he was happy to be out. he even will run a little on some of his walks depending whether he has just got up from a nap or not. so i'm hoping he just pulled a muscle or something like that. right now he is sitting reclining near my chair totally relaxed so i'm trying not to worry too much. i made an appointment with his regular vet for tues. morning so i might take him in then if he is still walking strangely...

the irony is that we ended up bringing him to the vet yesterday to have the technician put the flea and tick liquid on him as i was too neurotic to do it myself and was worried about the chemicals being pregnant. i also did not want to put it on wrong and have a bad effect on him. i never take him to the country these days so i had thought i needed to get him a collar but it turns out the vets all recommend this liquid stuff that goes into the skin as being more effective. it lasts for a month so i guess it's good he has it in case we go somewhere another time. but he was fine yesterday when i took him for that. they were very nice and did not charge anything to do that for him...

needless to say today i was too stressed out and sort of depressed to do much. i'm still feeling the mood but i'm trying to relax and not worry about catching up on any of the things i need to do. after all everyone else is vacationing and doing nothing and we would have been in the country. i admit i'm relieved we did not end up going as taking elvis would have been stressful for me, worrying about him being ok on the trip and in a strange environment.

he's my real baby. i think i must have been a dog in another life. these days when i walk around outside and see people with a stroller and a dog, my maternal instincts go out to the dog. looking at the baby in the stroller does not bring out any desire to hold the baby or coo over him or her. in fact i'm kind of scared of babies and toddlers these days. but dogs just make me smile.

i hope to do a comic strip soon as this blog was supposed to be mostly comic strip form but my mood and mixed state have made it hard to get to it...

not getting better

more of the same. not getting better. feeling bad for denzel and elvis having to live with me like this. soon i'll have another person in the house to feel guilty about having to be around me and my illness. sometimes i feel like i should have moved somewhere away from everyone i know and just deal with it without infecting other people.

more anxiety...

just read too much on the internet about pregnancy, well specifically about delivery, actually about c sections as i decided quite a while ago to have an elective c section. there are some truly "crazy" judgmental people out there, i can't imagine that is good for their children. to tell people you do not know things like "you spread your legs to get pregnant, you should spread your legs to have the baby". this from a woman. it actually seems that the people with the most opinions about c sections are women, and the most intolerant and judgmental stuff comes from people who have had their child in whatever way they think is better. i just don't understand how people can complain about being given more choices.
who am i hurting by having a c section. one person actually made a mean comment about mothers choosing c sections as being selfish and not caring about their babies.

i can't say i'm completely comfortable with my decision but not because i might want to deliver the "natural" way, but because i'm not comfortable with getting the baby out either way. i wish honestly that i could just burp and she'd pop out. i'm scared totally of all of it, so the c section does not remove the fear. if i could be knocked out completely and wake up feeling ok with the baby there, i'd honestly choose that. i don't think that makes me a less fit mother. the things that could make me a shitty mother do not have much to do with getting the baby out. but it amazes me that there are women out there who think that way.

one of the reasons i chose the c section option besides the cowardly fear of labor aspect is the bipolar issues. i think the worst scenario would be long labor no sleep and then emergency c section because of complications, what could be more stressful, plus the huge stress leading up to labor of anxiety about it. i'm the type who carries stress around and then has an episode from all the collected stress, just like what happened this week. and lack of sleep for a prolonged period of time makes me manic. so i think choosing the c section option is actually also for the baby, so i can be more likely to be able to handle the first moments of motherhood without already being crazy and anxious and manic.

but at this point if i had to have the baby tomorrow i'd be frightened out of my wits. one of the reasons i never wanted to have a child until recently was that i really thought i could not handle the zero hour of getting the baby out of my body. i still feel that way.

it sure would have been nice to go on the internet and read some reassuring comments from other women. there was one reassuring comment from someone who said it was great and she had little pain and recovered quickly. and two friends of mine had no problem with the surgery. i guess i should focus on the real people i know and not the crazy comments from random things on the internet. plus i was born by c section myself and my mother said the experience was great. if i'm this freaked out now i can only imagine how i'll feel when it's time to deal with the reality...

of course i wonder why am i freaking myself out now. i could be just relaxing and trying to find that elusive bliss the media makes you think you're supposed to be feeling while pregnant. or i could be making a fun comic strip for this blog instead of another anxious rant... maybe soon, i hope.

red dress and the drawing i posted...

hi everyone! thanks for all your words of support. i've been sitting here catching up on your blogs and eating a lot of peanut butter and honey on rice cakes. the best is if you have bananas to put slices on the peanut butter and honey. i remember once reading that a movie star ate a lot of peanut butter when she had to get fat for a role. i ate it all the time when i wasn't pregnant and it didn't make me fat. at this point, i've given in to just trying to be ok with the body stuff. i'm going to a wedding on saturday (i'll get to be not just the pregnant lady guest but the pregnant lady with her boyfriend living in sin and having a baby out of wedlock! fun.) and i just might wear the tight red dress i met my boyfriend in years ago. i tried it on last night and he recognized it right away and said all the good boyfriend pregnant daddy stuff like how hot i looked in it. then i neurotically tried to find out if i looked that different, like i wanted him to say "it's the same you just with bigger boobs and a belly." he then said he was only going to give me a few comments every time i put on clothing and bug him about my looks, which was probably a good idea. anyway the point is i think i'll try to go to the party in a clingy red dress and just flaunt my big belly and pregnant body, more for myself to feel good. it's a fun nontraditional wedding so it's the place to wear a red dress!

anyway about the drawing i posted. i was going to do a comic strip but then i suddenly could not think of anything and i had recently made this drawing and showed it to my therapist. he thought and i agreed, that the baby looked very happy and carefree and i looked happy and protective as the elephant mommy. i felt very happy and motherly while making the drawing and it was nice to show the therapist a happy picture as i mostly focus on my own inner conflicts and dark side in there with him... he also noticed that it looked like i was watering the tree with my trunk and that it seemed to be about growth which i agreed with.

i welcome your comments on the drawing even if you see totally different things in it. i debated whether to talk about what it meant for me as i like hearing what you all think just from looking at my pictures without explanation from me, but i felt like writing about some positive stuff about the pregnancy as i am very good at complaining. and there has been a lot of good positive stuff. it feels good to share the joyful part of connecting with her, the baby!

by the way we are past the 5 month mark!!!

we're back in comic strip form!

hi everyone!
finally marlena shuts up her big complaining trap of a mouth and you get to catch up on the important characters, namely elvis and the growing fetus (and denzel, at least through the fetus' point of view...)

baby's big photo shoot!!!

here are some images from the big halfway mark sonogram today! in case you could not tell, the baby is....
a...... (drum roll).....
girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

mess...

where do i start? i've had a shitty day. it's been terrible weather and i've been sitting in front of the computer doing frustrating work that takes forever and in between spending hours on my taxes which are also frustrating and awful. i won't go into detials but basically i've been angry all day and in between felt like bursting into tears. and now the apt. is a mess again and we just had it cleaned yesterday...
poor elvis had a crappy day too due to the horrible rain. his first few walks consisted of standing in front of the building avoiding getting wet and finding a few places to do his business. i just took him for a wet nonrainy walk around the block. he's so low to the ground that even with his coat on he somehow gets a bit wet. but at least he could move around...
my big highlight of the day was searching the neighborhood for ice cream and other foods to satisfy my cravings and bad mood.
time to go eat: grapes, fontina cheese, special potato chips (we discovered this boulder brand on vacation that has amazing flavors like salt and malt vinegar), and vanilla chai flavored ice cream. (i went to 3 places to try to find ben and jerry's new flavor cinnamon buns that is so great and seems like it was invented for pregnant ladies but alas, to no avail...)