mixed state, hello old friend...
thanks to everyone for the supportive comments on last post. it was the beginning of an "episode", what i think of now as a mixed state. i had my first mixed state about 9 years ago; up until then i had mostly had either manic or depressive episodes. anyway it took me some time to learn to recognize them on my own but i can say i have gotten pretty good at it. it only took until tuesday for it to really dawn on me that my mood and mind and thoughts and chemistry were not about hormones and pregnancy but that i was experiencing a bipolar episode, a mixed state of depression, anxiety, psychotic thinking and so on. not much mania in there that i could recognize at all to sweeten things up, although there may have been a little hypomania on fri. and sat. before my depressive sunday.
anyway i won't get into the "psychotic" thinking that i experienced as i need a break from it, but i was proud of myself for the most part as tues. when i truly realized this is what's going on, i called boyfriend, psychiatrist and therapist and took pretty good care of myself. since then it's been moments of calm followed by more thoughts and weird scary imagery, destructive stuff i have not acted upon, as well as regular depression and so on. i've just been coping with it by trying not to increase anxiety about it, accept it and go on with my day doing my regular things and work and walking doggie etc. trying to avoid too much stress.
a lot of the stuff of the last post continues to plague me. the only physical thing that's a real pain in the ass, is that i learned in the first trimester that big meals are really uncomfortable and lead to indigestion and all kinds of yucky sensations, but every time i go out to a restaurant for dinner, i end up eating too much and feeling truly horrible, wishing i could throw up. i did that tonight and it's really annoying me that i could not monitor myself and eat less knowing full well this would happen. and it coincides with an easing up of some of the worst mental episode stuff. so i'm annoyed with myself that i am feeling so uncomfortable when i have a lull in the "sickness" of bipolar stuff.
anyway i'm not at the point to take any meds. i'm just riding things out and tolerating the brain chemistry storm... i will try to look at some blogs and comment again soon. at the moment i have no mental energy for anything much. it is soothing to know that i'm still walking and feeding and taking care of elvis. even while feeling like a failure as a mother, i can comfort myself with the knowledge that i'm able to take care of my dog while dealing with bipolar illness, a big accomplishment for me. and denzel has been really a wonderful caring and supportive partner and i know it's not easy for him.
anyway i won't get into the "psychotic" thinking that i experienced as i need a break from it, but i was proud of myself for the most part as tues. when i truly realized this is what's going on, i called boyfriend, psychiatrist and therapist and took pretty good care of myself. since then it's been moments of calm followed by more thoughts and weird scary imagery, destructive stuff i have not acted upon, as well as regular depression and so on. i've just been coping with it by trying not to increase anxiety about it, accept it and go on with my day doing my regular things and work and walking doggie etc. trying to avoid too much stress.
a lot of the stuff of the last post continues to plague me. the only physical thing that's a real pain in the ass, is that i learned in the first trimester that big meals are really uncomfortable and lead to indigestion and all kinds of yucky sensations, but every time i go out to a restaurant for dinner, i end up eating too much and feeling truly horrible, wishing i could throw up. i did that tonight and it's really annoying me that i could not monitor myself and eat less knowing full well this would happen. and it coincides with an easing up of some of the worst mental episode stuff. so i'm annoyed with myself that i am feeling so uncomfortable when i have a lull in the "sickness" of bipolar stuff.
anyway i'm not at the point to take any meds. i'm just riding things out and tolerating the brain chemistry storm... i will try to look at some blogs and comment again soon. at the moment i have no mental energy for anything much. it is soothing to know that i'm still walking and feeding and taking care of elvis. even while feeling like a failure as a mother, i can comfort myself with the knowledge that i'm able to take care of my dog while dealing with bipolar illness, a big accomplishment for me. and denzel has been really a wonderful caring and supportive partner and i know it's not easy for him.
Labels: anxiety, body, depression, doggie, mixed state, psychotic thinking, self hatred
posted by marlena rivers at
8:38 PM
7 Comments:
I hope this episode soon passes and you feel a bit better about yourself. Well done for recognising it. I think recognising the cause is the first step to dealing with emotions, with or without meds. Glad to see you're taking care of yourself, and Elvis.
You're doing the right things by knowing the states that your mind and body are in they are telling you things all the time and they are letting you know when things are right or wrong and knowing ho to identify these are paramount in recovery.
It's going to be all the more helpful for you to be able to recognize these signs when you have a little one around because there will be a lot more distractions that can take your mind away from being able to recognize these things if you are not careful because you will be so worried about the other things that are going on in your life when that is happening.
Here's to hoping that things go well for you and Elvis in the future. :)
I think you are doing great! I do it with 4 kiddos.. And sometimes I feel like a failure and feel like running away and all that.. But you can do it.. Recognizing your moods is a huge huge step in the right direction.. It took me a LONG time to be able to do that.. And even now sometimes I cant..
You know I understand how you feel during these mixed state times. But, I want to make sure that you know that you are a very successful mother for doing this without your meds and still staying with it. I am so proud of you and inspired to say the least.And, I am thrilled to know that you are doing all the right things to help keep the mixed state to a minimum.You are NOT a failure, you are a success!
You are doing really well. Don't pay too much attention to the guilt trip, it's a part of motherhood no matter what issues you're facing...(I know, easier said than done.) :P
hi all, thanks for the helpful comments. in some ways it may sound strange to say but there is a positive side to the mixed state in that i am learning all kinds of things that i might not be aware of if i had a more normal biochemistry. living close to archetypal material and really experiencing it while also navigating the regular day to day world is a big challenge but also quite an opportunity. maybe i'll figure out how to talk about that in a post soon.
I am bipolar and experience mixed states frequently. For me they seem to be brought on by depression and acute anxiety. I'd like to go off my meds too. Not to get pregnant, just to go off them. Good luck to you and your experiment. You will do well and be a good mom. Creativity always seems to come in handy - especially with kids. Stella
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