a very anti-maternal mother's day...
i feel like this would be best expressed in a comic strip but i'm too depressed and lazy to invent something that expresses it.
leading up to mother's day i've been extra into the baby, the baby moving, being pregnant, all that good stuff. i wore the red dress to the wedding and enjoyed being the pregnant woman and talking about the baby's upcoming arrival. i even enjoyed making faces and smiling at the cute 11 month old boy at the wedding.
by the end of the evening i had eaten too much, could feel all the acid reflux making me wish i could vomit all the food up and a small part of me was almost fantasizing about vomiting up the "baby" too. i felt dumpy and uncomfortable and could feel my belly stretching and was envying the non pregnant women there. but that was by the end of the evening.
it all got more prominent and obvious today when i woke up depressed and did some work work for my job and got in touch with the part of me that likes my job and likes my non pregnant former life. i enjoyed working on mother's day and felt resentful of being pregnant. beyond resentful. i've been feeling today like i don't want to have the baby and don't want to be a mother. i know it's all part of the process and maybe hormones or bipolar moodswings or whatever. i've also got in touch with understanding that when i deeply miss my meds it's more symbolic of missing my former identity as a non mother individual.
i don't remember if i have said it on this blog, but the missing my meds is now this: i used to miss the meds during the past year and a few months that i've been mostly "off" them, i used to miss them when i felt i needed them and wanted relief from moodswings, bipolar stuff. that made sense. now it's quite interesting and strange. if i hear or read about someone talking about their seroquel, for example, i'll feel myself feeling sad and missing seroquel, not out of needing it at the moment, but missing it like it was an old friend or family member. same with wellbutrin. for some reason i dont get those feelings about depakote which is also interesting. i don't miss the ol' fundamental mood stabilizer. but depakote was also the main reason for my abortion in 2005 so that may contribute to it, plus i never noticed anything adding to my life or relieving me while taking it. it was the thing to take to avoid problems with bipolar, whereas wellbutrin was there as my friend helping with depression and obsession and seroquel was there to help me avoid the hospital, calm me down and help me feel safe...
so now i'm clarifying for myself that this sadness and missing the meds is kind of like the body obsession stuff and feeling fat and gross at times. it's deeper than the surface meaning. it's really an anger at changing into a mother, losing my "single" individual identity and autonomy and fear of being swallowed up by motherhood and losing my sense of Self.
enjoying my work and other self expression right now feels like a general's last stand in a battle s/he knows will be lost. like a final swan song before i get posessed by the identity of mother that i'll never be able to get rid of, that will be part of me for the rest of my life.
i know it's supposed to feel like a marvelous addition and expansion to my life but i guess i'm fighting it. i've always been the baby of my family and soon i will have to be a mother and adult and responsible and all that that entails.
until then i will allow myself to whine and complain and make my last stand in this battle that my old self is losing, meant to lose and will lose.
leading up to mother's day i've been extra into the baby, the baby moving, being pregnant, all that good stuff. i wore the red dress to the wedding and enjoyed being the pregnant woman and talking about the baby's upcoming arrival. i even enjoyed making faces and smiling at the cute 11 month old boy at the wedding.
by the end of the evening i had eaten too much, could feel all the acid reflux making me wish i could vomit all the food up and a small part of me was almost fantasizing about vomiting up the "baby" too. i felt dumpy and uncomfortable and could feel my belly stretching and was envying the non pregnant women there. but that was by the end of the evening.
it all got more prominent and obvious today when i woke up depressed and did some work work for my job and got in touch with the part of me that likes my job and likes my non pregnant former life. i enjoyed working on mother's day and felt resentful of being pregnant. beyond resentful. i've been feeling today like i don't want to have the baby and don't want to be a mother. i know it's all part of the process and maybe hormones or bipolar moodswings or whatever. i've also got in touch with understanding that when i deeply miss my meds it's more symbolic of missing my former identity as a non mother individual.
i don't remember if i have said it on this blog, but the missing my meds is now this: i used to miss the meds during the past year and a few months that i've been mostly "off" them, i used to miss them when i felt i needed them and wanted relief from moodswings, bipolar stuff. that made sense. now it's quite interesting and strange. if i hear or read about someone talking about their seroquel, for example, i'll feel myself feeling sad and missing seroquel, not out of needing it at the moment, but missing it like it was an old friend or family member. same with wellbutrin. for some reason i dont get those feelings about depakote which is also interesting. i don't miss the ol' fundamental mood stabilizer. but depakote was also the main reason for my abortion in 2005 so that may contribute to it, plus i never noticed anything adding to my life or relieving me while taking it. it was the thing to take to avoid problems with bipolar, whereas wellbutrin was there as my friend helping with depression and obsession and seroquel was there to help me avoid the hospital, calm me down and help me feel safe...
so now i'm clarifying for myself that this sadness and missing the meds is kind of like the body obsession stuff and feeling fat and gross at times. it's deeper than the surface meaning. it's really an anger at changing into a mother, losing my "single" individual identity and autonomy and fear of being swallowed up by motherhood and losing my sense of Self.
enjoying my work and other self expression right now feels like a general's last stand in a battle s/he knows will be lost. like a final swan song before i get posessed by the identity of mother that i'll never be able to get rid of, that will be part of me for the rest of my life.
i know it's supposed to feel like a marvelous addition and expansion to my life but i guess i'm fighting it. i've always been the baby of my family and soon i will have to be a mother and adult and responsible and all that that entails.
until then i will allow myself to whine and complain and make my last stand in this battle that my old self is losing, meant to lose and will lose.
posted by marlena rivers at
11:11 AM
6 Comments:
I hear you on the meds. Every single word. But, when my psychiatrist mentioned that maybe I would want to take a break from ttc after the miscarriage and go back on the Depakote, I was completely against it. I just couldn't imagine going back on it and then having to come back off of it to ttc again. No thank you. But, really I miss my mood stabilizer so much.
hi nicole,
thanks. that's interesting as it's the one i miss less than the others but the idea of missing the med is not just about the specific med but how it does become like a part of yourself you can rely on, i find.
I can relate to your post. The transition to motherhood was very traumatic for me. Not just bipolar issues, but lots of childhood abuse stuff that had never been dealt with. I kept triggering right and left for a couple of years at least.
It was well worth it.
I wish I knew what to say. I have started writing a reply three times now, and have erased all of them. Just know that it's okay to miss your pre-motherhood identity; I miss mine and I have a 7 year old.
I'm in the same boat as catherine...I have written several comments and then erased them. When I look back now I can see and understand what I was going through. Being pregnant was a horriable time for me and it got worse after Baby was born, at the time I had no idea what to do and I had no one to talk to it was not a nice boat to be in. You are doing so well (believe it or not) because you are talking about it and finding out lots of information, you also have your doctors who are on board with you...it will all work out one day and at some point in the future you will feel better :)
keep trying sweetie your doin just fine.
People make pregnancy out to be a wonderful thing..ANd for some it is.. For some the entire 9/10 months is a wonderful joyous thing.. For some.. Its complete hell.. not only physically but emmotionally. Its draining.. When your physically drained.. it pulls you down emmotionally.. When you are emmotionally drained it pulls you down physically.. Its a no win situation. The thing the books and people fail to tell youa bout pregnancy is that it can be a very hard time and it isnt peaches for everyone. They fail to fill you in on just what you MIGHT go through. They fail to tell you that its okay that you feel like shit and that you go through these horrible depression episodes.. They fail to tell people what its like after baby is born too.. I know they failed to tell me the first time around..
Pregnancy for me was horrible.. Not just 1 of them but ALL of them.. Wyatt was the easy one.. and he was rough on me physically.. Pregnancy drained me of everything i had.. i was a hormonal mess and when I was cycling I didnt know it and just went psycho.. I had horrible migraines and wanted to die.. THen I was depressed and felt worse for feeling like I did.. That doesnt count the toll it takes on yoru body being pregnant.. Last trimester sucks.. I just cant describe it any other way..
Now my sister had peaches and cream pregnancies both times.. it was easy on her.. I wish I had enjoyed pregnancy.. I swore after the first one I wouldnt ever have another.. But some how.. You do forget it enough to say okay i can do this again..
You are doing great! I wont lie and tell you that your life will one day go back to normal because honey.. its never going to be normal again.. But thats not a bad thing!!!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home