black hole
i just tried to post using safari adn its all messed up. i wrote a whole paragraph about how i hate this illness and feel so depressed i wish i could die.
i hate what happens after an episode. everything is messed up and i feel like a failure in many ways i'm too tired to list. i would like it all to be over with, i am tired of so many years, in fact my whole adult life about 20 years of living with this illness.
i even felt like i just can't do it, be a mother adn a good partner, but i will keep trying because i chose it and it would be much worse on all three beings that i live with to give up on myself.
if you make comments be nice as i have no ability to face anything difficult. i feel like there's nothing left in me. i know it's the depression talking adn i'll just wait it out like i always do. i wonder what the point of having this illness is. it would be good to know there was a reason, like if reincarnation was true and something happened in a past life so now i'm paying for it; it would make sense. human beings seem to be desperate to make up storeis so that things that dont make sense make sense. but they dont and all of that stuff is just things we make up to feel better. chaos is real. fabricated order like religion is just story and tool for power.
the way to get through depression is not to find a good story to get addicted to.
i guess it's just to accept what's there and not look for explanations. when i'm psychotic things all make sense but they are just things in my head that are more real to me than anything outside my head.
when i'm depressed there is nothing in my head to hold on to. only bad cruel voices telling me i'm a horrible person. not other people's voices. my own.
i hate what happens after an episode. everything is messed up and i feel like a failure in many ways i'm too tired to list. i would like it all to be over with, i am tired of so many years, in fact my whole adult life about 20 years of living with this illness.
i even felt like i just can't do it, be a mother adn a good partner, but i will keep trying because i chose it and it would be much worse on all three beings that i live with to give up on myself.
if you make comments be nice as i have no ability to face anything difficult. i feel like there's nothing left in me. i know it's the depression talking adn i'll just wait it out like i always do. i wonder what the point of having this illness is. it would be good to know there was a reason, like if reincarnation was true and something happened in a past life so now i'm paying for it; it would make sense. human beings seem to be desperate to make up storeis so that things that dont make sense make sense. but they dont and all of that stuff is just things we make up to feel better. chaos is real. fabricated order like religion is just story and tool for power.
the way to get through depression is not to find a good story to get addicted to.
i guess it's just to accept what's there and not look for explanations. when i'm psychotic things all make sense but they are just things in my head that are more real to me than anything outside my head.
when i'm depressed there is nothing in my head to hold on to. only bad cruel voices telling me i'm a horrible person. not other people's voices. my own.
Labels: baby, depression, doggie, self hatred
posted by marlena rivers at
11:47 AM
6 Comments:
Hello there my dear--you are one of the very few most lovely people I know in the world, by the way (kind, funny, intelligent, fiercely loyal, thoughtful, beautiful!)--I'll call this evening to say hi & see when we might do something again--sorry times are so rough, it will get better soon...
I am so sorry for your pain at this time. You can be a good mother and you will. :)
It's funny because for many years I was Bipolar and didn't know it and I was raising three kids as a Bipolar parent (and didn't know it).
Not knowing it, I couldn't doubt myself as I had nothing to doubt myself with.
A lot of parents have bipolar and you are a great mom...hang in there..this too shall pass. :)
I'm so sorry you're feeling awful and having to go through this! I too wonder what I did to deserve this disease and have come up with many positives, but when I crash and am down, I sure can't see them.
*hugs* I hope this doesn't last long....
thanks for the comments. they are very thoughtful.
I dont think anyone would say anything mean to you. You are brilliant...and I get much hope from you.
Casey
You are doing a fantastic job as a mother and your baby is becoming stronger every day. Eventually the despair will dissapate (as you well know), but until then just hang on.
I know it gets tiring, I know, I know.
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