aftereffects...
the aftereffects of the psychotic episode seem to be lingering intensely.
the worst part of all is not breastfeeding. i can't seem to get over it. i get very very intensely sad about it and then mad at myself. wondering if i should have taken the risky choice of going off zyprexa and then starting up breastfeeding again a week or so after the episode. maybe if i had done that i'd be breastfeeding still and on no meds.
i know it's not that bad for the baby. she is too young to miss anything and lives from moment to moment. i even tried to see if she remembered breastfeeding but she showed no interest. there's no more milk anyway.
for some reason that experience was so important to my being a mother that i feel terrible and cry almost daily about it. i hate myself for having the episode.
i went to a postpartem depression support group last week and talked about it. it's now been about six weeks since i had the episode and i'm still so torn up aabout it. i get upset when we take the baby places and feed her with the bottles and formula and wish i could be breastfeeding her...
the worst part of all is not breastfeeding. i can't seem to get over it. i get very very intensely sad about it and then mad at myself. wondering if i should have taken the risky choice of going off zyprexa and then starting up breastfeeding again a week or so after the episode. maybe if i had done that i'd be breastfeeding still and on no meds.
i know it's not that bad for the baby. she is too young to miss anything and lives from moment to moment. i even tried to see if she remembered breastfeeding but she showed no interest. there's no more milk anyway.
for some reason that experience was so important to my being a mother that i feel terrible and cry almost daily about it. i hate myself for having the episode.
i went to a postpartem depression support group last week and talked about it. it's now been about six weeks since i had the episode and i'm still so torn up aabout it. i get upset when we take the baby places and feed her with the bottles and formula and wish i could be breastfeeding her...
posted by marlena rivers at
2:57 PM
3 Comments:
So I am curious about how the PPD support group went for you. Did it help to talk to other women? I told my husband about your experience and he said that should be enough to convince me to go back on my meds after birth and not breastfeed. I was so very sad about that response.
Keep reminding yourself that this is your brain chemistry and not you. Your choice to go back on the meds was the wisest and most sacrificial choice. I admire you so much for it. Cry those tears, and then hold your baby.
I hope you are feeling better soon. It is truly hard after having a baby and dealing with a mood disorder on top of possibly having post partum depression or baby blues,
The joys of being a Woman:) :)
It will be o.k.
I had to stop breastfeeding because I had to return to work...or else starve. It was hard with all of the emotional shit goin on within myself but with time I accepted it.
Keep tryin your doin awesome :)
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