Wednesday, February 18, 2009

fear

i can't sleep. money worries create great fears. as does noise of dog and not having any way to do anything for him though he seems to have stopped. i tried just petting him. he's back on prednisone. the current vet (not his regular one) has not called me back proably is sick of me. so am i. i feel fearful of a lot of things. in one day a lot of scary possibilities happened. maybe the real fears are all in my head and its not that bad. i cant say more. i just wish practical aspects of life were in my range of abilities. why am i so unable to deal with real things? is it a gift to be able to deal with things that are not on this reality plane. i feel for other people with mental illness who are totally unable to care for themselves or anyone and live in residences and shelters. life is not made for sensitive dreamers. being good at making things that are not useful is a difficult gift to have -- it does not help you provide for anyoen and makes me a dependent. i have never been able to support myself by myself. i assume my other qualities have to make up for this but maybe not. sometimes i berate myself a ton for it. it's hard to not know how to be the way everyone else is but i cant seem to do it. at least i am taking carea of the baby most of the time but then we pay a nanny so i can work and it costs more.
there are more messes but i dont know. i maybe need to stop therapy as i cant afford it even with insurance. whatever. i need to sleep. is anyone out there at all who feels this way or reads my words?????

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4 Comments:

Blogger Nicole said...

I feel all of your words. I understand them. I also know that sleep is critical right now. Protect it as you protect your child. In fact, protecting your sleep is essentially protecting your child. You are in a place that is scary, and I am so sorry for that. Please know that you are not alone in your struggles. Keep writing. I wish I could be there to keep you company. I think we could both use it right now.

6:30 AM  
Blogger Jenny Davidson said...

My most heartfelt sympathies!

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do read your words - and in this case, properly identify with them, especially the money worries!

Hold on in there...

5:24 PM  
Blogger marlena rivers said...

hi there, thanks nivcole an jenny my keyboar d messes up vvcv and d so exvcxutst the spellings. it means a lot to know you vchecvxk my blog. hope you like the new vcxartoons. i'm oing better, still kin of epressed...

10:59 AM  

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