Friday, April 06, 2012

Getting Back in the Game: Followers

I just started following a bunch of blogs, mostly bipolar ones and related topics.I'm not sure how to get more followers for this blog. I'm wondering if it would work better if I was on wordpress. Which blog site is better? Anyway, I just read an interesting post on Bipolar and hypersexuality. It's always been interesting to me because people who know about BD think that when we get manic we run around trying to have sex with everyone of every gender. I know some people do experience this, but in my experience of having Bipolar 1, when I have gotten hypomanic or manic I usually get very inspired and very spiritual. The intense spiritual and intellectual experiences I have as I start to get hypomanic just increase when it spirals into maania. Somehow sex is not really present at all. I think I have flirted with random people when completely psychotic, but I don't remember trying to have sex with anyone. It feels more like the opposite, like I'm a child again and completely intensely into whatever topic is going on. In my last psychotic episode I took all my clothes off and wandered off into the hallway, but I wasn't acting sexual towards anyone. It seems like when manic, I like to take off my clothes! But it's much more innocent than seductive... I also tend to distance myself from people I'm close to while really manic and don't try to connect in a typical way. It's hard to describe this. I guess mostly because it's been so long since I've gotten really manic. But my mania is way more hyper spiritual, full of synchronicity and meanings and connections and metaphors. Sometimes I miss that feeling... I should write a post on feeling and acting normal. I think having a child has a big effect on me in this way. I just can't be too traumatized, fucked up, depressed, manic or anything as I have to be there for her. Of course I have my troubles and mood swings. It's weird to sometimes identify so much with my Bipolar Disorder and other times it just recedes into the background of daily life stress. Tonight I was taking my medications and my child asked if I took them to go to sleep. I said it was more complicated than that. She knows about medications as she comes with me to pick up meds and sees both of us take them; especially she is aware of my taking them, talking about needing to remember to take them, etc. I don't know what effect this will have on her. Eventually she'll be old enough to find out about my illness. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I don't know what I'm trying to talk about. I know there's something missing in my life that this blog helps with. I guess it's that it's hard when I'm so convincing to everyone that I'm fine and stable. I need someplace to remember that I have this Bipolar 1 and that I've been psychotic quite a lot in my life though not lately and depressed even more as well as traumatized. I am most in touch with being traumatized lately. I spend a lot of time not being in touch with my feelings. I don't think I've ever cried in front of my latest therapist, and I've seen her for a few years. I can always tell when I finally do cry that I've been holding in a lot. It just builds up and at some point comes out, but it takes a long time as I'm not a "crier"...

4 Comments:

Blogger Jenny Davidson said...

I don't think it would make a big difference to readership which platform you're on. I do think we seem to be in a transitional period re: blogs - I love blogs and blogging, and I still read quite a lot of blogs through my feed in Google Reader (I don't like to "follow" blogs, it seems like an awkward hybrid between blogging and Facebook-style contact), but I think a lot of former bloggers and blog-readers have switched entirely over to other social media.

11:30 AM  
Blogger marlena rivers said...

Do you mean bloggers have stopped using blog websites? what do they do instead???

2:24 PM  
Blogger Jenny Davidson said...

Facebook, Pinterest, Tumblr (still blog-like compared to these others), Twitter... for longer-form writing, blogs are still unbeatable, but it seems to me that a lot of people really wanted the connection more than they wanted the writing medium, and short status updates or tweets suit them better. Alas!

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Charlote said...

Marlena, the part where you talk about your fear of your child finding out about your disorder and how they will react totally resonated with me. I have a son and I am worried about what he will think when he is old enough to understand that I am bipolar. Until then, I am doing my best to control my symptoms by using tips I found at http://onlinceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ba. I hope this is helpful!

11:31 AM  

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