Wednesday, March 07, 2007

up late can't sleep

up late. can't sleep. anxious. going to the baby doctor early tom. morning. about half an hour ago saying goodnight to denzel i got a weird chestpain and shoulder pain and couldn't stop laughing, especially when denzel thought i was having a heart attack. i'm pretty sure it was not. i never heard of anyone getting heart attack pains and then being unable to stop laughing. it went away.
anxious about vacation we're trying to plan but we're both disorganized last minute people plus i have anxiety about going away and leaving elvis even in the good care of my parents so i procrastinate for that reason. we were going to go to hawaii but it's too expensive so we're probably going to new mexico. i've never been there.it's extremely dumb to have conversations about planning a vacation when one of you should already be asleep (him).
i should be asleep too because of the doctor's appointment. i usually get extremely anxious before going to any kind of dr. appointment but i feel a bit better this time because i really like the doctor and we just got the good news about the cvs test.
i should just go to sleep as i have nothing interesting to write and i just can't get to sleep partly because i skipped yoga class and took a nap earlier.

i have terrible time motivating to do any form of exercise. i changed yoga studios to go to one about one block from where i live and i still have huge issues getting my ass out of the door. i skipped my sunday class too.
i'm just in a real blah mood. hoping it will be gone by tomorrow.

WEIRD DREAM
this morning early i woke up from a weird dream that i was on a big 747 plane that was supposed to be taxiing in the runway but it had too much stuff on the plane, was too heavy, and was veering to the sides like it was going to fall over, more like a drunken person who can't stand up. it was quite scary. then they were taking things out of the plane to make it lighter so it could stand better and move without falling (it was on the ground on the wheels, not in the air). i suddenly realized i had left elvis in some other part of the plane and panicked about finding him and worrying he was not on the plane or something. i went and found him and picked him up and was much relieved. by then i was so focused on finding him and reuniting with him that my anxiety about the plane falling over and crashing was not there anymore.

hmm. if the plane represents my psyche, i'm not in control. someone else is driving it and it is not in balance. is it also anxiety about my body on its way to getting too heavy and feeling like i'm not in control of it and like i won't be able to go where i need to, that i'll fall apart from being pregnant and lose sight of the core of my pre pregnant self (symbolized by elvis, my inner child and instincts and innocent side, or the part of me that needs someone else to look after me)??? am i carrying too much baggage ha ha??? no longer able to get the last leg of my journey done and be safely on the ground???
do i feel separate from some important part of myself...
any other suggestions?
what will i dream next as i'll have to go to sleep before morning.

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9 Comments:

Blogger Amateur Dancer said...

hi marlena,

just checking on you. have you been to the doctor yet?

(((hugs)))
dancer

5:45 PM  
Blogger Amateur Dancer said...

hi marlena,

it is friday morning.

dingo dog and dancer are still waiting, with bells on, to hear how you are doing...

we care,
((((((((((((dancer and dingo dog)))))))))))))))

5:23 AM  
Blogger marlena rivers said...

i dancer and dingo dog, i posted a comment on your blog and let you know. maybe you didnt get it. thanks for your concern. things went fine at the doctor, everything is good. and then i had some time and was near the children's place and bought my first clothes for the baby. that was super fun. the rest of the day i got stressed out and anxious about other stuff in my life and had a small meltdown but ended up feeling better by day's end. today i'm in a great mood! at least the difficult moods pass quickly! sorry you didn't get my comment...

10:55 AM  
Blogger marlena rivers said...

dancer-- i meant hi at the beginning of that last comment but the "h" didn't show up!

10:55 AM  
Blogger Ol' Lady said...

I think blogger is possessed, I have stopped by everyday and there were no new posts...now this morning (Sat) there is a post with Wed on it??? Weird???
You shouldn't try to figure out dreams and relate them to yourself
or you will drive yourself crazy, just blame the weird shit on something you ate and get on with your day :) but it is probably the baby...children will always try to make the parents crazy so they start early...

7:55 AM  
Blogger Amateur Dancer said...

hi marlena,

thanks for coming by. i am out of my hypomania. it was a complete mini cycle.

i wrote about it this morning...

but, no damage done. i am a bit tearful today, hopefully this stage will end soon!

i agree with ol' lady...NOBODY is posting!! probably a lot of spring hypomania going on...everyone is painting and writing and photo'ing...

but, i miss everyone!

marlena, i am SO glad everything is alright w/ you...i was really, really worried (as you saw, dingo dog and i were waiting, cold and wet, on your doorstep when you got home from the doctor) :-)

(too bad dingo dog and elvis had to get scared of eachother, it kind of ruined the sweet theme we had going there!)

dancer

8:40 AM  
Blogger marlena rivers said...

hi amateur dancer,
thanks for your comments. glad you're out of the hypomania though i know it can be fun. i am envious of everyone out there who's feeling creative. i'm just tired and unmotivated...

12:23 PM  
Blogger Amateur Dancer said...

i think that you are tired because you are preggie!! :-)

8:12 PM  
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4:58 PM  

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