the magic box

feeling a little better today:
an actual positive hopeful post to balance out last night's...
i have a special box that i put some special little objects in and then write down goals, wishes, hopes and fold the paper and date it and put it in the box. it's called a goddess box.
i also put in goals and hopes of a few friends. they write what they want to manifest and i stick it in the box without reading it. every couple of months or so, i open up my papers and check to see if i have accomplished or gotten what i wished for. most of the time the goals get put back in, not yet accomplished, but once in a while they actually get done or happen and i throw out the paper and write new ones...
i just opened the box after over six months and saw some that had wonderfully come true, like getting pregnant and a few other things.
some of them i put back, like the ones related to elvis being healthy, to continue his good health.
so tonight i wrote a bunch more of them and dated them and put them in the box. i was amazed also to see i had so many "wishes" written by about four different friends, so those went back in too.
most of the goals and wishes are selfish ones like to have a good birthday with peace of mind, improved relationships with certain people, and certain career goals. but then there are ones for denzel and elvis and the baby i added, as i had not checked the box in over a year.
and some very ambitious ones for the world, like peace in iraq and things like that...
so the box is filled up again with hopes, dreams and good things to ask for the universe to manifest.
if anyone wants me to put something in there for them, let me know and i'll write it in for you...
i believe the things i put in for myself are strengthened by sharing the magic of the box with others...
i forgot to put one in about taxes and finding a good accountant. my finances are a mess... woops i'm ending on a bad note.
patience... that's in the box too as is "faith"...

More Confessions...

the bigger confession I should have drawn a comic strip of was an earlier sin I committed today. (funny how as a jewish superstitious atheist i freely employ all this dramatic wording from other religions, esp. these days, the catholics with "confessions" and "sin"... one thing i've gotten even more comfortable with due to pregnancy is all my inconsistencies and total contradictions...)

anyway earlier today i purchase a pair of designer sunglasses on sale, still at a high cost though they were more than half price. there was no need for them. even if i eventually have money to turn them into prescription sunglasses and wear them as regular ones until them, i do not need them. but they were ultra cool looking and i enlisted a friend who has kids herself and is trying not to spend extra money to tell me they looked great on me and stand there while i bought them.

this is not a purchase to be making with only weeks left before baby girl arrives, when i am in debt and will need extra money in the first couple of months of motherhood. on the other hand i'm sure the baby will be happy to see me stroll her down the street in her new lightweight stroller wearing those sunglasses and the sandals i got a few weeks ago in bright colors to match her stroller. she will be delighted and thinking, this was a very necessary purchase. i was there when you made it and got a nice rush of excessive spending high from you, thanks mom... of course this is not something i will be doing when she is here outside my belly.

also getting ready to get rid of another major sin very soon. the tv! i grew up with no tv and we both want to get rid of our tv and bring up baby without tv. i'll stil want a screen of some sort to watch movies on as i do not consider my film interests to be bad influence on baby and they are easier to keep away from her. i returned my baby einstein dvd after reading that article that came out and realizing it's best of all to just read to her and have denzel play music and sing to her...

otherwise going through all kinds of ups and downs and emotions. yesterday i passed the vet elvis goes to and saw a vet tech walking a little cute doggie with one of those plastic shades on her head and practically burst into tears. not sure if it was seeing the elizabethan collar on the dog or somehow missing elvis' baby days or some kind of reminder of times elvis has been in the vet or sick. almost cried on the subway tonight after intense therapy session...

having weird dreams again like i did in the beginnign of being pregnant...

up late can't sleep

up late. can't sleep. anxious. going to the baby doctor early tom. morning. about half an hour ago saying goodnight to denzel i got a weird chestpain and shoulder pain and couldn't stop laughing, especially when denzel thought i was having a heart attack. i'm pretty sure it was not. i never heard of anyone getting heart attack pains and then being unable to stop laughing. it went away.
anxious about vacation we're trying to plan but we're both disorganized last minute people plus i have anxiety about going away and leaving elvis even in the good care of my parents so i procrastinate for that reason. we were going to go to hawaii but it's too expensive so we're probably going to new mexico. i've never been there.it's extremely dumb to have conversations about planning a vacation when one of you should already be asleep (him).
i should be asleep too because of the doctor's appointment. i usually get extremely anxious before going to any kind of dr. appointment but i feel a bit better this time because i really like the doctor and we just got the good news about the cvs test.
i should just go to sleep as i have nothing interesting to write and i just can't get to sleep partly because i skipped yoga class and took a nap earlier.

i have terrible time motivating to do any form of exercise. i changed yoga studios to go to one about one block from where i live and i still have huge issues getting my ass out of the door. i skipped my sunday class too.
i'm just in a real blah mood. hoping it will be gone by tomorrow.

WEIRD DREAM
this morning early i woke up from a weird dream that i was on a big 747 plane that was supposed to be taxiing in the runway but it had too much stuff on the plane, was too heavy, and was veering to the sides like it was going to fall over, more like a drunken person who can't stand up. it was quite scary. then they were taking things out of the plane to make it lighter so it could stand better and move without falling (it was on the ground on the wheels, not in the air). i suddenly realized i had left elvis in some other part of the plane and panicked about finding him and worrying he was not on the plane or something. i went and found him and picked him up and was much relieved. by then i was so focused on finding him and reuniting with him that my anxiety about the plane falling over and crashing was not there anymore.

hmm. if the plane represents my psyche, i'm not in control. someone else is driving it and it is not in balance. is it also anxiety about my body on its way to getting too heavy and feeling like i'm not in control of it and like i won't be able to go where i need to, that i'll fall apart from being pregnant and lose sight of the core of my pre pregnant self (symbolized by elvis, my inner child and instincts and innocent side, or the part of me that needs someone else to look after me)??? am i carrying too much baggage ha ha??? no longer able to get the last leg of my journey done and be safely on the ground???
do i feel separate from some important part of myself...
any other suggestions?
what will i dream next as i'll have to go to sleep before morning.