more anxiety...
just read too much on the internet about pregnancy, well specifically about delivery, actually about c sections as i decided quite a while ago to have an elective c section. there are some truly "crazy" judgmental people out there, i can't imagine that is good for their children. to tell people you do not know things like "you spread your legs to get pregnant, you should spread your legs to have the baby". this from a woman. it actually seems that the people with the most opinions about c sections are women, and the most intolerant and judgmental stuff comes from people who have had their child in whatever way they think is better. i just don't understand how people can complain about being given more choices.
who am i hurting by having a c section. one person actually made a mean comment about mothers choosing c sections as being selfish and not caring about their babies.
i can't say i'm completely comfortable with my decision but not because i might want to deliver the "natural" way, but because i'm not comfortable with getting the baby out either way. i wish honestly that i could just burp and she'd pop out. i'm scared totally of all of it, so the c section does not remove the fear. if i could be knocked out completely and wake up feeling ok with the baby there, i'd honestly choose that. i don't think that makes me a less fit mother. the things that could make me a shitty mother do not have much to do with getting the baby out. but it amazes me that there are women out there who think that way.
one of the reasons i chose the c section option besides the cowardly fear of labor aspect is the bipolar issues. i think the worst scenario would be long labor no sleep and then emergency c section because of complications, what could be more stressful, plus the huge stress leading up to labor of anxiety about it. i'm the type who carries stress around and then has an episode from all the collected stress, just like what happened this week. and lack of sleep for a prolonged period of time makes me manic. so i think choosing the c section option is actually also for the baby, so i can be more likely to be able to handle the first moments of motherhood without already being crazy and anxious and manic.
but at this point if i had to have the baby tomorrow i'd be frightened out of my wits. one of the reasons i never wanted to have a child until recently was that i really thought i could not handle the zero hour of getting the baby out of my body. i still feel that way.
it sure would have been nice to go on the internet and read some reassuring comments from other women. there was one reassuring comment from someone who said it was great and she had little pain and recovered quickly. and two friends of mine had no problem with the surgery. i guess i should focus on the real people i know and not the crazy comments from random things on the internet. plus i was born by c section myself and my mother said the experience was great. if i'm this freaked out now i can only imagine how i'll feel when it's time to deal with the reality...
of course i wonder why am i freaking myself out now. i could be just relaxing and trying to find that elusive bliss the media makes you think you're supposed to be feeling while pregnant. or i could be making a fun comic strip for this blog instead of another anxious rant... maybe soon, i hope.
who am i hurting by having a c section. one person actually made a mean comment about mothers choosing c sections as being selfish and not caring about their babies.
i can't say i'm completely comfortable with my decision but not because i might want to deliver the "natural" way, but because i'm not comfortable with getting the baby out either way. i wish honestly that i could just burp and she'd pop out. i'm scared totally of all of it, so the c section does not remove the fear. if i could be knocked out completely and wake up feeling ok with the baby there, i'd honestly choose that. i don't think that makes me a less fit mother. the things that could make me a shitty mother do not have much to do with getting the baby out. but it amazes me that there are women out there who think that way.
one of the reasons i chose the c section option besides the cowardly fear of labor aspect is the bipolar issues. i think the worst scenario would be long labor no sleep and then emergency c section because of complications, what could be more stressful, plus the huge stress leading up to labor of anxiety about it. i'm the type who carries stress around and then has an episode from all the collected stress, just like what happened this week. and lack of sleep for a prolonged period of time makes me manic. so i think choosing the c section option is actually also for the baby, so i can be more likely to be able to handle the first moments of motherhood without already being crazy and anxious and manic.
but at this point if i had to have the baby tomorrow i'd be frightened out of my wits. one of the reasons i never wanted to have a child until recently was that i really thought i could not handle the zero hour of getting the baby out of my body. i still feel that way.
it sure would have been nice to go on the internet and read some reassuring comments from other women. there was one reassuring comment from someone who said it was great and she had little pain and recovered quickly. and two friends of mine had no problem with the surgery. i guess i should focus on the real people i know and not the crazy comments from random things on the internet. plus i was born by c section myself and my mother said the experience was great. if i'm this freaked out now i can only imagine how i'll feel when it's time to deal with the reality...
of course i wonder why am i freaking myself out now. i could be just relaxing and trying to find that elusive bliss the media makes you think you're supposed to be feeling while pregnant. or i could be making a fun comic strip for this blog instead of another anxious rant... maybe soon, i hope.
Labels: anxiety, body, depression, mania, pregnant, self hatred
posted by marlena rivers at
8:43 PM
7 Comments:
I had similar issues.
I totally fixated on the fact that docs often make a cut "down there" to facilitate birth. The idea freaked me out very badly, so I decided to have a home birth even though I'm not at all the granola type.... Lets just say the rumors are true, rips heal better than cuts. Of course, looking back I don't understand at all what my problem was, but it made perfect sense at the time.
The best thing I did back then was hang around a newsgroup for nursing mothers. It helped me nurse my child successfully, which gave me a very necessary sense of pride...
hi amanda,
yes i am also fixated on not wanting to rip or cut. i'd rather have a cut in my belly than anywhere near the vagina. i heard a horrible story the other day about someone ripping really badly, i wont go into disgusting details. but it confirmed my decision for sure. i do want to nurse but im fearful i'll get postpartum issues and be forced to take meds...
My best friend raves about her C-section. She says she would never do it any other way. And the only prize we get after pregnancy and birth is a baby, so I say do whatever it takes to get to that point. All of the insensitive critics out there can bite me!
hi nicole,
thanks. that's good to hear about your friend. it's true, nobody cares how they came out. if the baby herself does not end up remembering or caring, what's the big deal? it's just too bad that some women can be so insensitive and cruel to other women.
Speaking as a single, childless woman, for what it is worth, I think that what you do after the baby is out of you is what makes you a good mother. I admire the bravery of all you bipolar women going off your meds to have babies. I decided not too. But if I had gotten my life together 10 years earlier, maybe I'd do motherhood. It's taken me to 40 just to be able to take care of myself!
marlena...sweetie you do what ever you have to do to get through this...don't let anyone pick yer ass about any of your decisions...it's your choice and your body.
everyone has an opinion...but some have enough brains to know when to shut up and others don't...the ones that don't are the ones that cause us stress...and hell they are usually the idiots in the pile.
if you want a shoulder to cry on you know my email...I usually check email a couple times a day and I would get back to ya...take care...I really do care
All things considered, I think a C section is a good choice to make in your circumstances.
Try not to worry about it too much though, after all, the whole point is to lower your stress levels! The doctors are very skilled and know what they're doing. When the time comes your baby will be out in no time with minimum fuss!
A friend of mine has had 6 children, and all by C section! So if you want to know anything about it, ask her! You can get hold of her here
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