acceptance

thanks for the supportive comments to last post. the post partem depression drop in support group has been helpful. i've been twice with baby. especially this week with all my pain about not breastfeeding. i had spent a day obsessing about trying to relactate and long story short by the next day at the group i had already realized i was too scared of going off my meds and daunted by the idea of having to pump constantly to try to breastfeed again. the whole idea suddenly seemed crazy and more of an expression of some other thing i was not thinking about, namely my upset and shame and anger at having the psychotic episode that led to the end of breastfeeding. the group leader emphasized that going off my meds was a terrible idea and that trying to relactate would take time away from being with my baby and really be damaging to the attachment process which of course made sense. there i was sitting with her in the group and she was so delightful and i realized i had to focus on her and try to get my obsessive thoughts to go away so i would not be with her and actually dissociated and not really present with her.
i still do not regret doing the breastfeeding. doing it for about 8 weeks was so good for her and me adn i would have been sad and felt deprived of the experience if i had started bottle feeding from the beginning. i think it was the right choice and i've finally come to terms with the fact that it was also the right choice to go back on teh meds.
with the pain of not breastfeeding i learned soemthing interesting, that i was going through the stages of mourning, at times i was angry, depressed -- crying with the pain that felt like the emptiness and other feelings one has when someone has died, and denial and bargaining (the obsession with relactating) and finally reaching acceptance.
i have to enjoy my baby now and be as present as possible with her. it is also hard because after my episode many of my close relationships (family and some friends) seemed to reach bad intense weird places that caused me pain and caused me to focus too much on it when i just wanted to focus on getting better and avoiding stress. i get very stressed out from having drama in my friendships and family relationships and it seems like since the episode there has been an explosion of it. a bipolar friend said something wise to me, that she noticed that people seem to get angry after you have an episode. i realized some of the crazy stuff with people in my life came from that. being near my psychosis caused them to be scared and freaked out. people who have not experienced psychosis are more afraid of the idea of losing control and falling apart, so i am trying to have some compassion for that while realizing that at least i have been brave to be able to go to these insane places and come back so quickly in one peice...
anyway the baby is lovely and starting to coo and make all kinds of cute sounds. i am trying to avoid getting down on myself for being bipolar and see that i can be a good attentive playful mother...