self hatred

happy new year. i felt nothing hopeful about the year changing. this is the first year that i have ignored three holidays in a row, thanksgiving, chanuka/xmas, and new years eve. i did not even have a glss of wine on new year's eve. my bday's coming up, forty. i am not going to do anything for that either. my parents are forcing me and denzel to go out to dinner for both of our birthdays which are around the same time. i'd like to cancel the dinner but my parents would be too hurt. i'm not even feeling close to them anymore. ive never felt so isolated from everyone in my family.
i am really hating myself. i just took out my contact lenses and rubbed my eyes because they were bothering me. then i continued to rub them hard and now they are all red. i imagined sticking a knife in my eye. i dont do any kinds of self mutilation and i never would but i sometimes fantasize about doing things to myself out of self hatred.
i wish i could go somewhere and be completely anonymous and start a fake life and just have no friends and be alone and away from everybody in my life.
i know all this is just bad stuff in my head. it will go away. the people in my life who are not talking to me have told me i am self absorbed, imature, selfish, self involved and not a grown up. they are probably right. i dont think of them as models of the kind of people i want to be even the ones in my family who think this of me. i'm sick of everything about myself. if i didn't have denzel and a baby and a dog i probably would just go disappear.
i had always imagined i would have some big party that was really special when i turned forty. i used to enjoy my birthdays. if i could go away and not be around that's what i would do.
i thought i'd feel good about myself at forty. having the psychotic episode and being distant from everyone in my family and not talking to one of them and another person because of the episode makes me feel like a failure at relating well with people i'm close to. and being in debt and not making enough money to support myself, that was not soemthing i'd envisioned about being forty. not being in any way what i had hoped. i wonder how bad fifty will be. i guess i'm done with birthdays. now the only birthday worth celebrating will be my daughter's.
if i could go back in time and change one thing in my life i would do soemthing so i could erase the psychotic episode of two months ago. so many things in my life would be different. i would not be posting a negative depressive post like this if not for the episode, nor would i hate myself so much and have ruined relationships and fights that occured after the episode. i waste time fantasizing about going back to the birth of the baby and starting that over so i woldnt have to go back on meds and so i wouldnt feel so distant from my family and others. i could even change the bad stuff that happened in the hospital when i had the baby. if only i could go back, not even really far back. i'm sure if i went back to age 20 i could change all the things that led up to today that were shit. but life can only lived forward.