Saturday, April 26, 2008

very short summary of i don't know what to call it.

yes, up again at 1 but i just took my seroquel so i'll be tired soon.
i think i mentioned starting an episode two weeks prior to the april 7 post. up until last monday the mania seemed low or gone, just a lot of paranoia, emotional getting way emotional more than normal, like crying more at certain topics, talking a lot to one of my friends...
anyway long story short, monday the 21st i got so manic i was really scared it was goign straight to psychosis, but i recognized it.
next post more detail.
today i found out that since april 11 i have been taking about twice or more of my normal dose of generic wellbutrin. i didnt realize as i'm used to always taking three pills a day but anyway i finally figured it out after i had taken 6 00 milligrams instaead of 300. i'm sure some of the past sixteen days i've taken three pills by mistake, three times the normal dose.
anyway that explains a lot at least from april 11 on and especially this week's mania followed by mixed state and sort of rapid cycling stuff i'm not used to.
more on another post.
has anyoen also been so oblivious that s/he did not notice that the new bottle of meds was suddenly changed.../??

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Wednesday, April 09, 2008

taxtime insomnia and paranoia

up late again, just took my meds. finally had time when baby was asleep to work on my tax records. not even up to the point of loading turbotax and starting the whole process, still going through my bank records and chaotic disorganized records of income and expenses. what a mess. and constant worry that i'll owe a chunck of money to the i.r.s. which i do not have in the bank. i hope not getting a paid maternity leave will help somehow.
my biggest paranoid nightmare is being audited. not because i'm doing anything terrible but because i'm very disorganized and the scrutiny, intrusiveness and feeling of my privacy being invaded would stress me out incredibly. i wonder if the i.r.s. ever audited someone until the person became psychotic, then would they continue the audit anyway? i really imagine being audited is on top of my list of triggers. other tops are loss of any kind, illness and injury, anything happening to elvis that could be scary, same with baby and denzel, obvious triggers. but losing our nanny was a huge trigger recently.
she actually called tonight to see how the baby was and how we were doing and if the new nanny was ok. she really misses the baby. i might take her to the park not in my neighborhood but where our former nanny goes with a different baby so she can see the baby again.
i went to the post-partem depression group today and it was a bit weird. drop in groups that are so intense can be odd.
i better go to bed. denzel is about to wake up and scold me.

Monday, April 07, 2008

the "vatta" temperament

i don't know if you have heard of the ayervedic classifications of "dosha". anyway my friend who is studying it in depth did a consultation with me and it reinforced what i already knew, that i am very "vatta", air, nervous system imbalances, easily spiritual, disorganized, unable to do anything consistently, make friends easily with like minded people- trusting, moody, then the physical stuff: dry skin, fast metabolism, small bones etc. she said i was the most vatta person she'd come across, as most people are a bit of a mix.
anyway all this to say that my blog does not escape my vatta nature. i do it in an intense and genuine soulful way, but cannot keep it up in a disciplined consistent way at all. in fact due to this very nature, she did not give me a lot of instructions about diet, habits exercise etc. as she knew i would not be able to follow them. she sort of gave some gentle suggestions about ways to try to ground myself. we vattas are very much air, in our heads, need warm food, even oily heavy food to get us down to the ground. also even meals are inconsistent. some days i eat regular meals, other days i snack all day, other days i forget to eat, and some days i eat really only salty and sugary foods. it turns out ice cream for breakfast is not so bad for me.
that's what i like about this ancient system, it is all about how to balance one's intrinsic physical/spiritual/mental/emotional nature...
anyway so here i am, i guess it's about two months and a week later.

quick report:
two weeks ago i noticed the very moment my brain switched over adn went to manic mode, shortly followed by "mixed state", anxiety, paranoia, fear of getting psychotic etc. i took care of it pretty quickly with a heavier dose of seroquel, leaving three messages with my psychiatrist and of course telling denzel. it was very intense but i'm getting used to knowing that for now i am in a sort of "episode" or kind of fragile imbalance state where i take a more klonopin during day and sometiems extra seroquel in day and more seroquel at night too. the depression peeks its head through all this too so i'm continuing wellbutrin...
it has been mixed with baby. moments of delight and connecting with her and enjoying her laugh and smile, lots of physical contact and full of love for her. then also horrible moments of feeling resentful, bad, wanting not to have her around, or feeling kind of like a zombie or whatever the word is for feeling totally cut off and not responding to her at all and feeling bad about it but somehow locked off and incapable. other worse moments of bad thoughts that are too hard to write about. but feeling a little proud of myself that i'm livng through it and surviving...
a lot of this was triggered by our wonderful nanny having to leave due to the hours no longer suiting her for her family life. we now have a new nanny, but it was a terrible shock and loss. i still miss the old nanny. so does denzel. this ending somehow went to my nervous systema and triggered all kinds of abandonment stuff that went to my brain and started the bipolar imbalance going...
that's about all for now. i'm still quite paranoid around the new nanny, and a little paranoid in general. i should be asleep as i took my meds and usually make myself go to sleep earlier than this. bad sign. i'll take an extra seroquel now.
still attending the postpartem depression mother's group with baby. it's helpful but as it is a drop in group i find myself missing one of the mothers who left. she shared so much and then she was gone and now there are new moms there. i am such a creature of attachment and staying with people in my life that i am too sensitive to changes and people leaving... i hope the people who read my blog will come back... ok. i really will go take another seroquel...

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