Thursday, January 31, 2008

birthday reflections

my birthday is coming up soon and i am happy to say that my attitude has shifted in a more positive direction.

my birthday gift to myself is to have a birthday day that is stress free and positive and peace of mind for me. this will involve my not talking to any toxic people in my life and keeping all conversations to relaxing positive topics. i hope it will work out.

the biggest birhtday gift for my forty years is my baby girl. every day with her is more beautiful than the one before no matter what is going on.

i sometimes bring her to therapy with me when denzel is not off work to stay home and watch her. my therapist is amazed at how sweet she is and that she is so accomodating during the session. she doesn't cry much when she is there. last week i took her and she was sitting on my lap staring at my therapist, really checking him out. it was really adorable. then after she had a bottle she fell asleep so i could have the rest of the session without distractions! in fact the first time i brought her to therapy when she was only a few weeks old, she slept through the entire session and my therapist made a comment about it.

plans for my birthday: mellow, during the day i will work and have time with the baby and denzel who is home on fridays. in the evening i will be at home and two close friends and my friend's son will come over for a mellow time, food and cupcakes... i am glad that i will do something and not ignore it altogether and i am happy not to have a big party or lots of people. i think when i turn fifty and baby is almost ten years old i will have a big bash, but who knows.

for now i am focusing on the positive and thinking of forty as a turning point for better things to come and a more balanced state of mind.

the baby is smiling now and "cooing" i call it talking but it's noises, she likes to make sounds while her hand is in her mouth. she has a very beautiful soul i can tell. i sometimes feel like she came from some other place, i don't know where, but it's a place full of beauty and light and love...

Monday, January 14, 2008

the magic box

feeling a little better today:
an actual positive hopeful post to balance out last night's...
i have a special box that i put some special little objects in and then write down goals, wishes, hopes and fold the paper and date it and put it in the box. it's called a goddess box.
i also put in goals and hopes of a few friends. they write what they want to manifest and i stick it in the box without reading it. every couple of months or so, i open up my papers and check to see if i have accomplished or gotten what i wished for. most of the time the goals get put back in, not yet accomplished, but once in a while they actually get done or happen and i throw out the paper and write new ones...
i just opened the box after over six months and saw some that had wonderfully come true, like getting pregnant and a few other things.
some of them i put back, like the ones related to elvis being healthy, to continue his good health.
so tonight i wrote a bunch more of them and dated them and put them in the box. i was amazed also to see i had so many "wishes" written by about four different friends, so those went back in too.
most of the goals and wishes are selfish ones like to have a good birthday with peace of mind, improved relationships with certain people, and certain career goals. but then there are ones for denzel and elvis and the baby i added, as i had not checked the box in over a year.
and some very ambitious ones for the world, like peace in iraq and things like that...
so the box is filled up again with hopes, dreams and good things to ask for the universe to manifest.
if anyone wants me to put something in there for them, let me know and i'll write it in for you...
i believe the things i put in for myself are strengthened by sharing the magic of the box with others...
i forgot to put one in about taxes and finding a good accountant. my finances are a mess... woops i'm ending on a bad note.
patience... that's in the box too as is "faith"...

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Sunday, January 13, 2008

self hatred

happy new year. i felt nothing hopeful about the year changing. this is the first year that i have ignored three holidays in a row, thanksgiving, chanuka/xmas, and new years eve. i did not even have a glss of wine on new year's eve. my bday's coming up, forty. i am not going to do anything for that either. my parents are forcing me and denzel to go out to dinner for both of our birthdays which are around the same time. i'd like to cancel the dinner but my parents would be too hurt. i'm not even feeling close to them anymore. ive never felt so isolated from everyone in my family.
i am really hating myself. i just took out my contact lenses and rubbed my eyes because they were bothering me. then i continued to rub them hard and now they are all red. i imagined sticking a knife in my eye. i dont do any kinds of self mutilation and i never would but i sometimes fantasize about doing things to myself out of self hatred.
i wish i could go somewhere and be completely anonymous and start a fake life and just have no friends and be alone and away from everybody in my life.
i know all this is just bad stuff in my head. it will go away. the people in my life who are not talking to me have told me i am self absorbed, imature, selfish, self involved and not a grown up. they are probably right. i dont think of them as models of the kind of people i want to be even the ones in my family who think this of me. i'm sick of everything about myself. if i didn't have denzel and a baby and a dog i probably would just go disappear.
i had always imagined i would have some big party that was really special when i turned forty. i used to enjoy my birthdays. if i could go away and not be around that's what i would do.
i thought i'd feel good about myself at forty. having the psychotic episode and being distant from everyone in my family and not talking to one of them and another person because of the episode makes me feel like a failure at relating well with people i'm close to. and being in debt and not making enough money to support myself, that was not soemthing i'd envisioned about being forty. not being in any way what i had hoped. i wonder how bad fifty will be. i guess i'm done with birthdays. now the only birthday worth celebrating will be my daughter's.
if i could go back in time and change one thing in my life i would do soemthing so i could erase the psychotic episode of two months ago. so many things in my life would be different. i would not be posting a negative depressive post like this if not for the episode, nor would i hate myself so much and have ruined relationships and fights that occured after the episode. i waste time fantasizing about going back to the birth of the baby and starting that over so i woldnt have to go back on meds and so i wouldnt feel so distant from my family and others. i could even change the bad stuff that happened in the hospital when i had the baby. if only i could go back, not even really far back. i'm sure if i went back to age 20 i could change all the things that led up to today that were shit. but life can only lived forward.

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