Thursday, July 10, 2008

the blues

i am feeling terrible. i left my psychiatrist two messages. i must have crie about five times at least through the course of this day. i just ripped up parts of my journal out of destructive self hatred. the baby is asleep and i coul be doing the things i always want to do but i'm just obsessing bout the fact that the dog is not eating his dinner. i am so frustrated with denzel sweetly cooking chicken fo rhim an dthen mixing it with his food and fussing with it in a million ways to make him eat. it gets to the point where i feel angry an want to scream at him to just eat a fucking plate of food to put me out of my misery. i just dont think hes sick i dont know why his appetite is so low. he ate some this morning and a little of what i gave him this afternoon. i know i would feel better if he ate his dinner right now. i'd still be depressed but i'd feel better.
my day is about food. feeidng the baby, going to the food store and buying food, thinking about how to make my dog eat more. reminding myself to eat. wanting to stop eating until he starts eating sometimes.
i feel so antisocial. i had one weird conversation with someone today that got me so sesitivea nd paranoid that i wanted to just retreat.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

july 1

i guess i am posting about twice a month. id'like to do more but its better than nothing. it's been hard lately.i've had double bad feelings about myself, bad about being a not good mom and then not good dog mom.
my dog is old. i took him for his checkup and spent several days anxious to get the bloodwork results as he had lost too much weight. it all was too familiar to the days of the baby at beginning losing too much weight and not gaining fast enoug and my feeling like a bad mom and bad breastfeeder. now i went through feeling guilty that i've neglected my dog, havent watched his eating enough, paid enough attention to him etc.
i've also been productive: his bloodwork came out perfect so i['m trying to fatten him up to avoid having to get a sonogram to look at his insides. smaller more frequent meals with more company while he's eating, running to the grocery store to get beef baby food to try and see if he can digest it as he loves turkey and chicken baby food but beef flavor is of course better forhim.
all this and i'm a vegetarian for spiritual reasons an dhere i am feeding my dog dead animlas. hypocrisy is part of being a human being.
still feeling bad for yelling at the baby two weeks ago in front of denzel and being rough with her the other day and for the times he is not around and i get frustrated and impatient.
it's hard taking care of two little beings and feeding them. now the baby got addicted to cheerios and suddenly doesnt like most of the solids she used to like so i'm stopping cheerios altogether to bring her back to all the vegetables and yogurt she was eating. meanwhile my eating habits remain terrible. i had ice cream for breakfast and hardly any lunch and forgot to eat dinner til 10. when i'm depresed and angry i have no desire to take care of myself in eating well and almost eat badly as some kind of angry thing like i dont give a shit.
anyway, on the bright side doggy is almost sixteen years old and in pretty good health considering.
i cant decide whether to buy a good precise digital scale so i can relieve my anxiety by weighing him at home and seeing him gain weight; also a way to weigh the baby who is now plump and juicy and in fine form, mostly for curiosity about how heavy she is getting.
but will it be bad if the dog is not gaining and will it make me obsess more? denzel thinks its a bad idea but i'm thinking it would be helpful to have real facts and avoid worry and anxiety,s o if i find a cheap digital scale i'll get it anyway.
i hope it wont cause me to start obsessing about my own weight. i come from a fucked up family that is obsessed with not being fat so even though i know i'm probably too thin, i get paranoid that my parents are looking at me and thinking i'm fat. it's nuts but families are crazy that way. it certainly added to my preoccupations while being pregnant, what a waste of time...
then i think of that poor model who jumped out the window and was foudn yesterday, only 20 years old. no matter how fucked up and crazy i am, i've survived. bipolar illness is deadly. i cant remember the stats, but the death rate is similar to some cancers...
so i'm trying to end on a positive note, that i got through so many difficult times and so many episodes and am still struggling away at my negative view of myself, my anxiety that causes me to not be able to live in the moment etc...
the baby has such a beautiful personality, she is sunny and curious and her smile is so amazing it is the happiest thing on earth to be with her when she and i are laughing together and i feel how special it is to be her mother at this moment. soon enough she will be more and more engaged with the outside world and i will be on the side, watching her grow. this special closeness now is transient but beautiful at tiems. i know i will miss it. being a parent involves constant loss and separation. she is literally crawling away from me, as she should!