Wordpress...

Ok, so the medications really affect my memory. I already started a wordpress blog it turns out on April 5, 2012, which is really weird as I have no recollection of doing this. It is really strange; that was just a few days ago! Does anyone else have such big time memory issues? This is quite scary as I have no recollection of doing this, and I'm not depressed or manic. Anyway now I have to get into my own blog site and I probably have no idea what password I used as I don't remember doing this! Here's the new url: http://bipolarnotesfromunderground.wordpress.com Wish me luck getting my short term memory back. It's not like I've ever been given electroshock therapy which does make you forget stuff. Oh well.

Getting Back in the Game: Followers

I just started following a bunch of blogs, mostly bipolar ones and related topics.I'm not sure how to get more followers for this blog. I'm wondering if it would work better if I was on wordpress. Which blog site is better? Anyway, I just read an interesting post on Bipolar and hypersexuality. It's always been interesting to me because people who know about BD think that when we get manic we run around trying to have sex with everyone of every gender. I know some people do experience this, but in my experience of having Bipolar 1, when I have gotten hypomanic or manic I usually get very inspired and very spiritual. The intense spiritual and intellectual experiences I have as I start to get hypomanic just increase when it spirals into maania. Somehow sex is not really present at all. I think I have flirted with random people when completely psychotic, but I don't remember trying to have sex with anyone. It feels more like the opposite, like I'm a child again and completely intensely into whatever topic is going on. In my last psychotic episode I took all my clothes off and wandered off into the hallway, but I wasn't acting sexual towards anyone. It seems like when manic, I like to take off my clothes! But it's much more innocent than seductive... I also tend to distance myself from people I'm close to while really manic and don't try to connect in a typical way. It's hard to describe this. I guess mostly because it's been so long since I've gotten really manic. But my mania is way more hyper spiritual, full of synchronicity and meanings and connections and metaphors. Sometimes I miss that feeling... I should write a post on feeling and acting normal. I think having a child has a big effect on me in this way. I just can't be too traumatized, fucked up, depressed, manic or anything as I have to be there for her. Of course I have my troubles and mood swings. It's weird to sometimes identify so much with my Bipolar Disorder and other times it just recedes into the background of daily life stress. Tonight I was taking my medications and my child asked if I took them to go to sleep. I said it was more complicated than that. She knows about medications as she comes with me to pick up meds and sees both of us take them; especially she is aware of my taking them, talking about needing to remember to take them, etc. I don't know what effect this will have on her. Eventually she'll be old enough to find out about my illness. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I don't know what I'm trying to talk about. I know there's something missing in my life that this blog helps with. I guess it's that it's hard when I'm so convincing to everyone that I'm fine and stable. I need someplace to remember that I have this Bipolar 1 and that I've been psychotic quite a lot in my life though not lately and depressed even more as well as traumatized. I am most in touch with being traumatized lately. I spend a lot of time not being in touch with my feelings. I don't think I've ever cried in front of my latest therapist, and I've seen her for a few years. I can always tell when I finally do cry that I've been holding in a lot. It just builds up and at some point comes out, but it takes a long time as I'm not a "crier"...

Hi Again

For now it's easier to stay with blogger but I started following a bunch of blogs to get back in the bipolar blogosphere and find some people out there that get it!
I'm in my early 40s and have been dealing with this illness for over 20 years so I have a lot to say about it. Most people in my life who don't know about my illness would have no idea as I am one of those "high functioning" types.

I will be taking my meds for the rest of my life. I've accepted that and I don't care that much as long as I don't grow two heads from taking them do long...

Almost time for therapy. More about that in the next post. I do miss my male therapist from a few years ago but this newer person is really good as well. I don't respond well to change...

I'm Back!

After another long hiatus I am back to blogging on here. I hope I can slowly develop some more followers. I am considering trying out Wordpress instead of Blogspot. If anyone has opinions on either one, let me know...

I have a big revelation, but I'm not sure I'm ready to reveal this stuff on here yet. It's kind of why I wanted to get back to this blog actually. I've been reading a lot of other Bipolar Blogs and it has gotten me inspired to write again.

As you who have read the old blog know, I got pregnant off meds, had a big manic (psychotic) episode and then the next big news was that Elvis, my schnoodle, got very sick with a brain tumor and a tumor on his leg and died on June 8, 2009. It was a terrible thing, both taking care of him while he was sick, while being the primary caretaker of my almost two year old at the time. Then he died and of course it was crushing. I miss him every day.

Now it's 2012 and a lot has transpired. I will reveal more on my next post which may end up on Wordpress, as a lot of the bipolar blogs I've been reading are on Wordpress...