Wordpress...

Ok, so the medications really affect my memory. I already started a wordpress blog it turns out on April 5, 2012, which is really weird as I have no recollection of doing this. It is really strange; that was just a few days ago! Does anyone else have such big time memory issues? This is quite scary as I have no recollection of doing this, and I'm not depressed or manic. Anyway now I have to get into my own blog site and I probably have no idea what password I used as I don't remember doing this! Here's the new url: http://bipolarnotesfromunderground.wordpress.com Wish me luck getting my short term memory back. It's not like I've ever been given electroshock therapy which does make you forget stuff. Oh well.

Getting Back in the Game: Followers

I just started following a bunch of blogs, mostly bipolar ones and related topics.I'm not sure how to get more followers for this blog. I'm wondering if it would work better if I was on wordpress. Which blog site is better? Anyway, I just read an interesting post on Bipolar and hypersexuality. It's always been interesting to me because people who know about BD think that when we get manic we run around trying to have sex with everyone of every gender. I know some people do experience this, but in my experience of having Bipolar 1, when I have gotten hypomanic or manic I usually get very inspired and very spiritual. The intense spiritual and intellectual experiences I have as I start to get hypomanic just increase when it spirals into maania. Somehow sex is not really present at all. I think I have flirted with random people when completely psychotic, but I don't remember trying to have sex with anyone. It feels more like the opposite, like I'm a child again and completely intensely into whatever topic is going on. In my last psychotic episode I took all my clothes off and wandered off into the hallway, but I wasn't acting sexual towards anyone. It seems like when manic, I like to take off my clothes! But it's much more innocent than seductive... I also tend to distance myself from people I'm close to while really manic and don't try to connect in a typical way. It's hard to describe this. I guess mostly because it's been so long since I've gotten really manic. But my mania is way more hyper spiritual, full of synchronicity and meanings and connections and metaphors. Sometimes I miss that feeling... I should write a post on feeling and acting normal. I think having a child has a big effect on me in this way. I just can't be too traumatized, fucked up, depressed, manic or anything as I have to be there for her. Of course I have my troubles and mood swings. It's weird to sometimes identify so much with my Bipolar Disorder and other times it just recedes into the background of daily life stress. Tonight I was taking my medications and my child asked if I took them to go to sleep. I said it was more complicated than that. She knows about medications as she comes with me to pick up meds and sees both of us take them; especially she is aware of my taking them, talking about needing to remember to take them, etc. I don't know what effect this will have on her. Eventually she'll be old enough to find out about my illness. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I don't know what I'm trying to talk about. I know there's something missing in my life that this blog helps with. I guess it's that it's hard when I'm so convincing to everyone that I'm fine and stable. I need someplace to remember that I have this Bipolar 1 and that I've been psychotic quite a lot in my life though not lately and depressed even more as well as traumatized. I am most in touch with being traumatized lately. I spend a lot of time not being in touch with my feelings. I don't think I've ever cried in front of my latest therapist, and I've seen her for a few years. I can always tell when I finally do cry that I've been holding in a lot. It just builds up and at some point comes out, but it takes a long time as I'm not a "crier"...

Hi Again

For now it's easier to stay with blogger but I started following a bunch of blogs to get back in the bipolar blogosphere and find some people out there that get it!
I'm in my early 40s and have been dealing with this illness for over 20 years so I have a lot to say about it. Most people in my life who don't know about my illness would have no idea as I am one of those "high functioning" types.

I will be taking my meds for the rest of my life. I've accepted that and I don't care that much as long as I don't grow two heads from taking them do long...

Almost time for therapy. More about that in the next post. I do miss my male therapist from a few years ago but this newer person is really good as well. I don't respond well to change...

I'm Back!

After another long hiatus I am back to blogging on here. I hope I can slowly develop some more followers. I am considering trying out Wordpress instead of Blogspot. If anyone has opinions on either one, let me know...

I have a big revelation, but I'm not sure I'm ready to reveal this stuff on here yet. It's kind of why I wanted to get back to this blog actually. I've been reading a lot of other Bipolar Blogs and it has gotten me inspired to write again.

As you who have read the old blog know, I got pregnant off meds, had a big manic (psychotic) episode and then the next big news was that Elvis, my schnoodle, got very sick with a brain tumor and a tumor on his leg and died on June 8, 2009. It was a terrible thing, both taking care of him while he was sick, while being the primary caretaker of my almost two year old at the time. Then he died and of course it was crushing. I miss him every day.

Now it's 2012 and a lot has transpired. I will reveal more on my next post which may end up on Wordpress, as a lot of the bipolar blogs I've been reading are on Wordpress...

Trying to keep functioning

I'm trying to post about once a week and maybe even gain back some readers. Things are going better with the extra wellbutrin. I am trying to function more normally and not think too much about the internet scam. I am waiting to see if my daughter got into public prek for next year which is very nerve wracking as there are so few spots for schools in my neighborhood. I am still tired a lot of the time and it's hard to look at my very negative bank balance in the account that got scammed. luckily I have a separate account with the same bank that I can use.
I got my court date for small claims court for suing the bank and it's a long time away, July 28. I'm not sure who will come with me as my lawyer as my father might be out of town and I definitely need a lawyer to plead my case to the arbitrator. I'm having a tough time staying positive about it and hoping I will beat the bank as they did lie to me and it affected all my actions that day.
Anyway at least for now my daughter is in school right now, she goes two days a week. If she doesn't get into public pre k she will probably not go to school next year and I will be stuck dealing with it taking care of her and trying not to get us both bored out of our minds. If she gets in she gets to go five days a week which would be great for me giving me a lot of extra free time. The odds are definitely not in her favor. I need two miracles to happen out of nowhere, for her to get in to a program and for me to win back my money from the bank and be able to pay my bills.
I had a weird dream just now while napping. There was a big ligt green caterpillar in my kitchen but it was not cute. It was very creepy looking and I didn't want to squash it because it was so big and fat and because I assumed it would eventually become a butterfly and no longer be scary looking. I don't remember the rest of it...

Back after a long hiatus with big PTSD

Hi to the few people who read this blog, to which I have not posted for over a year. I am trying to come back to it again and gain from the therapeutic benefits of posting and getting helpful supportive comments. It's been almost two years, on june 8 it will be two years since elvis' death.
the latest thing that sent me into a swirling dissociated depression happened several weeks ago. i got completely swindled on the internet to the tune of about 2500 dollars. someone contacted me about reiki. i'm an advanced reiki practitioner and advertise on some websites so i often get emails from people. back in beginning april someone pretending to be a client from england contacted me about coming to the US for several reiki sessions and told me about a recent thing that happened to her that got her depressed. in that email she said she wanted to prepay with a cashiers check. to make a very long story short, i should have at that moment told her i only accept cash and not cashiers checks but i didn't spot it so began a long back and forth with this fake person including several missed sessions and fake reasons for not leaving the country and insisting on prepaying. anyway i got a check in the mail for almost three thousand dollars and still didnt suspect anything. i ended up spending a day taking cash to western union to send to her. the reason i did it was that i was stupid, but also that my bank lied to me. i asked the teller several times if the check was good and would not bounce and he told me yes. of course the next day friday the thirteenth of may, i was buying medication of all things and my bank card showed i had a minus balance. i rushed to the atm to look at my balance and realized the check had been fake and bounced.
what followed was a downspin into PTSD, self hatred, self blame, going over and over the events and what i could have done differently, crying every day about it and freaking out. my father is a lawyer and told me we could sue the bank in small claims court. but he was having terrible back pains and going into surgery soon after that. he is still healing from it and i have the papers i have to go on tuesday to file in person at the small claims court. then in about three weeks on a thursday night we get to pick an arbitrator or judge to hear our case against the bank. i stupidly looked up some things on the internet and started getting depressed that i would never win the case and get my money back from the stupid bank but my father is still optimistic that the bank won't show up for the court date and the arbitrator will rule in my favor.
whatever happens at least today was a big turn in a better direction for me. yesterday i left a desperate message with my psychiatrist that i was going to take extra wellbutrin because i was fantasizing about going to the hospital and things like that. for once he called back quickly which he doesn't usually do and we decided i would try that before trying new meds. i think the boost in meds really worked quickly because i went from feeling like a depressed zombie who didn't care about anything in my life and wanted to just die or have a lobotomy so i would never remember this awful event to functioning, doing some cleaning in our very messy apartment which had added to my depression and just yesterday i felt like i could never do any cleaning and would just spiral down into a mess in my head and in the apartment. somehow throughout this my daughter has been in my care a lot but hasn't seemed to catch on to too much of my negativity and terrible mood swing to downward downward downward. throughout the events in a kind of haze i was aware that nobody had harmed her or my husband or me although at times i wished someone had harmed me physically instead of financially.
i think i'm getting better. i hope the wellbutrin doesnt ware off. this is the second time i've taken the highest dose of 400 mg for a while. i'm really hoping it will work along with just trying to force myself to function better and be nicer to myself while being completely broke and dependent financially on others.

am i out of the loop?

my keyboard is working now so i'd like to post at least once a week again and get back some of my readers and supporters.
these days i'm incredibly anxious. yesterday i took three klonopin to get through the rest of the day plus the two at night.
anyway i don't know if i should change my blog as elvis is dead and i already had my child so i'm not pregnant and can't recount elvis' life only be sad about his death.
is anyone out there still reading my blog?
any suggestions about how to get back in the loop with other bloggers, especially the bipolar blogosphere..???
anxiety is worse than depression as it feels so horrible in the body...

Missing Elvis

elvis died on june 8 2009;i miss him terribly.

my keyboard is broken so i will post more after i get it fixed as it makes it hard wrt ite without everything getting erased which has happened three times as i try to write this.