depression...

continues. i've had a lot of difficulties with some important relationships since the psychotic episode and it's been horribly distracting and upsetting. i had a terrible interchange with one of my siblings and it's pretty much over, any positive communication, so there is no communication. he was horribly cruel and judgmental about how i handled the episode, did not apologize, and said some awful things about me and denzel and how we handled the episode. he was not here during it. anyway, it's been a terrible loss as i thought we were close, and it's hard to avoid thinking about it and getting very sad and angry. i find myself crying every day at odd moments.
most of my friends have been super supportive so i'm truly appreciative of that and of denzel and elvis and the baby. i hope the new year brings a relief from emotional and financial stress and positive things for me and everyone who is positive in my life... i am grateful for people who read this blog and are so caring and supportive.
my psychiatrist said it takes six months to a year for the brain chemistry to totally get back to normal after a really intense episode like the one i had. i am still feeling the ramifications of it and it is almost two months later. i got stable really quickly but the emotional upheaval has been intense and difficult.

acceptance

thanks for the supportive comments to last post. the post partem depression drop in support group has been helpful. i've been twice with baby. especially this week with all my pain about not breastfeeding. i had spent a day obsessing about trying to relactate and long story short by the next day at the group i had already realized i was too scared of going off my meds and daunted by the idea of having to pump constantly to try to breastfeed again. the whole idea suddenly seemed crazy and more of an expression of some other thing i was not thinking about, namely my upset and shame and anger at having the psychotic episode that led to the end of breastfeeding. the group leader emphasized that going off my meds was a terrible idea and that trying to relactate would take time away from being with my baby and really be damaging to the attachment process which of course made sense. there i was sitting with her in the group and she was so delightful and i realized i had to focus on her and try to get my obsessive thoughts to go away so i would not be with her and actually dissociated and not really present with her.
i still do not regret doing the breastfeeding. doing it for about 8 weeks was so good for her and me adn i would have been sad and felt deprived of the experience if i had started bottle feeding from the beginning. i think it was the right choice and i've finally come to terms with the fact that it was also the right choice to go back on teh meds.
with the pain of not breastfeeding i learned soemthing interesting, that i was going through the stages of mourning, at times i was angry, depressed -- crying with the pain that felt like the emptiness and other feelings one has when someone has died, and denial and bargaining (the obsession with relactating) and finally reaching acceptance.
i have to enjoy my baby now and be as present as possible with her. it is also hard because after my episode many of my close relationships (family and some friends) seemed to reach bad intense weird places that caused me pain and caused me to focus too much on it when i just wanted to focus on getting better and avoiding stress. i get very stressed out from having drama in my friendships and family relationships and it seems like since the episode there has been an explosion of it. a bipolar friend said something wise to me, that she noticed that people seem to get angry after you have an episode. i realized some of the crazy stuff with people in my life came from that. being near my psychosis caused them to be scared and freaked out. people who have not experienced psychosis are more afraid of the idea of losing control and falling apart, so i am trying to have some compassion for that while realizing that at least i have been brave to be able to go to these insane places and come back so quickly in one peice...
anyway the baby is lovely and starting to coo and make all kinds of cute sounds. i am trying to avoid getting down on myself for being bipolar and see that i can be a good attentive playful mother...

aftereffects...

the aftereffects of the psychotic episode seem to be lingering intensely.
the worst part of all is not breastfeeding. i can't seem to get over it. i get very very intensely sad about it and then mad at myself. wondering if i should have taken the risky choice of going off zyprexa and then starting up breastfeeding again a week or so after the episode. maybe if i had done that i'd be breastfeeding still and on no meds.
i know it's not that bad for the baby. she is too young to miss anything and lives from moment to moment. i even tried to see if she remembered breastfeeding but she showed no interest. there's no more milk anyway.
for some reason that experience was so important to my being a mother that i feel terrible and cry almost daily about it. i hate myself for having the episode.
i went to a postpartem depression support group last week and talked about it. it's now been about six weeks since i had the episode and i'm still so torn up aabout it. i get upset when we take the baby places and feed her with the bottles and formula and wish i could be breastfeeding her...

nothing

nothing to say.