daily doodle

black hole

i just tried to post using safari adn its all messed up. i wrote a whole paragraph about how i hate this illness and feel so depressed i wish i could die.
i hate what happens after an episode. everything is messed up and i feel like a failure in many ways i'm too tired to list. i would like it all to be over with, i am tired of so many years, in fact my whole adult life about 20 years of living with this illness.
i even felt like i just can't do it, be a mother adn a good partner, but i will keep trying because i chose it and it would be much worse on all three beings that i live with to give up on myself.
if you make comments be nice as i have no ability to face anything difficult. i feel like there's nothing left in me. i know it's the depression talking adn i'll just wait it out like i always do. i wonder what the point of having this illness is. it would be good to know there was a reason, like if reincarnation was true and something happened in a past life so now i'm paying for it; it would make sense. human beings seem to be desperate to make up storeis so that things that dont make sense make sense. but they dont and all of that stuff is just things we make up to feel better. chaos is real. fabricated order like religion is just story and tool for power.
the way to get through depression is not to find a good story to get addicted to.
i guess it's just to accept what's there and not look for explanations. when i'm psychotic things all make sense but they are just things in my head that are more real to me than anything outside my head.
when i'm depressed there is nothing in my head to hold on to. only bad cruel voices telling me i'm a horrible person. not other people's voices. my own.

thanksgiving and new comic strip yet again

this is getting very frustrating. i've written this post a a few times and it keeps going weird on me. anyway long story short mommy is on zyprexa still plus wellbutrin and seroquel but thankful for growing baby, been depressed and difficult coming out of the psychotic episode, got down to earth and off crazy planet quick but it's a difficult landing on earth and recovering from the damage
. anyway no more boobie milk it's all contaminated with drugs/meds. very sad, thus the new comic strip which was fun to do. having a gquiet thanksgiving at home with dog baby and baby daddy denzel. went to a great yoga class. here's the comic strip:

zyprexa...

this is me on zyprexa... well it feels that way. maybe it is my new cartoon character.
now that i have to stop breastfeeding (studies very uncertain, not enough conclusive, no long range studies, don't want to impede baby's brain development at this crucial early point. in fact the drug label for zyprexa warns against breastfeeding.)
anyway if you can comment, let me know , should the boobies go now that they are useless and be replaced by this weird insect?
what if kafka's bug story was twisted into, lady wakes up takes zyprexa, hears baby crying and tries to go to her, passes the mirror and sees her own reflection as a giant red insect...

blackness

zyprexa blues

big episode

hi everyone,
well so much for doing without meds. i am taking zyprexa now, total of fifteen mil. per day.
the mania escalated into a full blown crazy episode, really psychotic. i am very tired right now from the zyprexa. just wanted to post something as the blog is very therapeutic. actually there was blog stuff in my episode. it was extremely intense and long and denzel said i talked non stop for hours and hours...
more on it later. we're still not sure about the breastfeeding as there is not enough evidence. i'm for continuing while on zyprexa and denzel is more cautious. i'm pumping and still feeeding her alittle so she can have that with me.
it's been very tough week.
does anyone out there know much about zyprexa or did you take it while breastfeeding?
also when did you start gaining lots of weight as that is a big side effect.
i'm too tired to write more but hope to make a comic strip soon....