new year's resolutions, new news and new episode!

hello all, so much for blogging more frequently. i've stopped using my mac almost completely as it's not hooked up to the internet and in a bad place for watching baby girl at same time. i think i'll start calling her lola just so she has a name here but it's not her real name. i don't want to regret writing about her in this context and as my name in here is fake anyway, as is denzel's and elvis' hers needs to be too.

anyway i will try to hook up my scanner and start doing comix again. i really strayed from the whole point of my "notes from underground" which was to post comix frequently about my bipolar adventures, as practice for the graphic novel i've been blocked about doing for about 9 years now. i'm on page 26 or so. today i'm going to a fun party where i will find some great old comic books and get reinspired. my friend whose party it is, a great friend of denzel and an "uncle" (not biological but more of an uncle than her "real" ones) to lola, set aside a bunch of wonder woman and other related comics by and about women.

anyway i will try to figure out a way back to comix. i haven't come up with the right drawing of myself but i have been doing some drawings that i think will help get to it.

this post should probably be divided into several posts. january news was that i got very depressed and then started a new medication towards end of jan.
abilify!!!
i had talked to the doc about changing to something more as the seroquel was not enough to manage my episodes or at least to prevent frequent severe ones. at beg. of jan. as you see from last posts i was kind of in a mixed state. the angry depression at end of january lasted only a few days. as soon as i started a low dose of abilify it went bye bye.
i know abilify can stimulate in low doses when it is helping your antidepressent work better. i think it did cause some hypomania...

anyway more about abilify. where have you been all my life? all those years of depakote, feeling sluggish and needing about 9 hours sleep a day at least, unable to wake up early etc etc. it did not affect my creativity though, so depakote takers out there, if it works for you, great! i also did not keep up with getting my blood checked and hate needles so abilify is great for that. no need for the blood levels i had to do for about 10 years of lithium followed by years of depakote.

more in next post.

the magic box

feeling a little better today:
an actual positive hopeful post to balance out last night's...
i have a special box that i put some special little objects in and then write down goals, wishes, hopes and fold the paper and date it and put it in the box. it's called a goddess box.
i also put in goals and hopes of a few friends. they write what they want to manifest and i stick it in the box without reading it. every couple of months or so, i open up my papers and check to see if i have accomplished or gotten what i wished for. most of the time the goals get put back in, not yet accomplished, but once in a while they actually get done or happen and i throw out the paper and write new ones...
i just opened the box after over six months and saw some that had wonderfully come true, like getting pregnant and a few other things.
some of them i put back, like the ones related to elvis being healthy, to continue his good health.
so tonight i wrote a bunch more of them and dated them and put them in the box. i was amazed also to see i had so many "wishes" written by about four different friends, so those went back in too.
most of the goals and wishes are selfish ones like to have a good birthday with peace of mind, improved relationships with certain people, and certain career goals. but then there are ones for denzel and elvis and the baby i added, as i had not checked the box in over a year.
and some very ambitious ones for the world, like peace in iraq and things like that...
so the box is filled up again with hopes, dreams and good things to ask for the universe to manifest.
if anyone wants me to put something in there for them, let me know and i'll write it in for you...
i believe the things i put in for myself are strengthened by sharing the magic of the box with others...
i forgot to put one in about taxes and finding a good accountant. my finances are a mess... woops i'm ending on a bad note.
patience... that's in the box too as is "faith"...

More Confessions...

the bigger confession I should have drawn a comic strip of was an earlier sin I committed today. (funny how as a jewish superstitious atheist i freely employ all this dramatic wording from other religions, esp. these days, the catholics with "confessions" and "sin"... one thing i've gotten even more comfortable with due to pregnancy is all my inconsistencies and total contradictions...)

anyway earlier today i purchase a pair of designer sunglasses on sale, still at a high cost though they were more than half price. there was no need for them. even if i eventually have money to turn them into prescription sunglasses and wear them as regular ones until them, i do not need them. but they were ultra cool looking and i enlisted a friend who has kids herself and is trying not to spend extra money to tell me they looked great on me and stand there while i bought them.

this is not a purchase to be making with only weeks left before baby girl arrives, when i am in debt and will need extra money in the first couple of months of motherhood. on the other hand i'm sure the baby will be happy to see me stroll her down the street in her new lightweight stroller wearing those sunglasses and the sandals i got a few weeks ago in bright colors to match her stroller. she will be delighted and thinking, this was a very necessary purchase. i was there when you made it and got a nice rush of excessive spending high from you, thanks mom... of course this is not something i will be doing when she is here outside my belly.

also getting ready to get rid of another major sin very soon. the tv! i grew up with no tv and we both want to get rid of our tv and bring up baby without tv. i'll stil want a screen of some sort to watch movies on as i do not consider my film interests to be bad influence on baby and they are easier to keep away from her. i returned my baby einstein dvd after reading that article that came out and realizing it's best of all to just read to her and have denzel play music and sing to her...

otherwise going through all kinds of ups and downs and emotions. yesterday i passed the vet elvis goes to and saw a vet tech walking a little cute doggie with one of those plastic shades on her head and practically burst into tears. not sure if it was seeing the elizabethan collar on the dog or somehow missing elvis' baby days or some kind of reminder of times elvis has been in the vet or sick. almost cried on the subway tonight after intense therapy session...

having weird dreams again like i did in the beginnign of being pregnant...

happy new year, hello 2007!

hi. i am posting 2 comix today despite feeling depressed and tired and unmotivated!

the daily catastrophe
first comic strip of 2007
jan. 1, 2007

frame 1:
marlena: hi all! happy new year! this year i have made no resolutions.
elvis; she drew me too fat and misshapen here.

frame 2:
marlena (off frame): by makig no resolutions i avoid disappointing myself and wallowing in self-criticism
elvis: better. captures my puppylike good looks.

second comic strip of 2007!
jan. 1, 2007

frame 1:
ok. the suspense is over! announcing our first official competition...
elvis: a few posts ago, mo suggested a competition to come up with a porn name for me, elvis!
great idea, mo, though i will not do a film!
below frame:
elvis: as you know, a porn star name should capture my adorable super canine sex appeal...

frame 2:
marlena: as you know marlena rivers is knd of like a porn name though it is not my middle name followed by the st. i grew up on... (the usual formula for figuring out your porn star name, fyi or you can use the name of your first pet as the last name)
anyway, write in your ideas, in 'comments' and we'll decide on a winner!