More Confessions...

the bigger confession I should have drawn a comic strip of was an earlier sin I committed today. (funny how as a jewish superstitious atheist i freely employ all this dramatic wording from other religions, esp. these days, the catholics with "confessions" and "sin"... one thing i've gotten even more comfortable with due to pregnancy is all my inconsistencies and total contradictions...)

anyway earlier today i purchase a pair of designer sunglasses on sale, still at a high cost though they were more than half price. there was no need for them. even if i eventually have money to turn them into prescription sunglasses and wear them as regular ones until them, i do not need them. but they were ultra cool looking and i enlisted a friend who has kids herself and is trying not to spend extra money to tell me they looked great on me and stand there while i bought them.

this is not a purchase to be making with only weeks left before baby girl arrives, when i am in debt and will need extra money in the first couple of months of motherhood. on the other hand i'm sure the baby will be happy to see me stroll her down the street in her new lightweight stroller wearing those sunglasses and the sandals i got a few weeks ago in bright colors to match her stroller. she will be delighted and thinking, this was a very necessary purchase. i was there when you made it and got a nice rush of excessive spending high from you, thanks mom... of course this is not something i will be doing when she is here outside my belly.

also getting ready to get rid of another major sin very soon. the tv! i grew up with no tv and we both want to get rid of our tv and bring up baby without tv. i'll stil want a screen of some sort to watch movies on as i do not consider my film interests to be bad influence on baby and they are easier to keep away from her. i returned my baby einstein dvd after reading that article that came out and realizing it's best of all to just read to her and have denzel play music and sing to her...

otherwise going through all kinds of ups and downs and emotions. yesterday i passed the vet elvis goes to and saw a vet tech walking a little cute doggie with one of those plastic shades on her head and practically burst into tears. not sure if it was seeing the elizabethan collar on the dog or somehow missing elvis' baby days or some kind of reminder of times elvis has been in the vet or sick. almost cried on the subway tonight after intense therapy session...

having weird dreams again like i did in the beginnign of being pregnant...

tag, i'm it... very late in the game...

ok. better late than never. thanks to nicole for tagging me. i hope i know how to insert the right codes for this. i'll of course tag people who visit me often. sorry if you've been tagged already. i guess you don't have to do this twice!

well ok. i realize what the problem is. I am using safari on a mac so i will have to just list the website addresses as they don't seem to give me options for making links within this post. sorry.

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1)Baby Moxie
2)Kicking You From The Inside
3)Third Time Lucky?
4) Just Crazy Enough To Try
5) bipolar notes from underground (off meds)

Next select five people to tag: (if you haven’t done it already) i have to just list the web address as i am not capable of linking directly. sorry
1) This Side of Reason; http://mydisplaced.blogspot.com/
2) Coming out of the Dark; http://bipolarmadness.blogspot.com/
3) Bipolar in the CIty; http://bipolarinthecity.blogspot.com/
4) Kill the Goat; http://saintvodkaofthemartini.blogspot.com/
5) The Wife of a Schizophrenic; http://the-wife-of-a-schizophrenic.blogspot.com/

What were you doing ten years ago?
may of 1997. i was probably dealing with a depressive episode and avoiding getting involved with anyone romanticwise...

What were you doing one year ago?
may of 2006. dealing with having just gone off meds to get pregnant. i was about two months into no meds and having a lot of sex. probably also worrying about my dog as he had diarrhea a lot around that time and needed special medications... maybe i had already started this blog. can't remember. dealing with anxiety for sure...

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. ice cream, ice cream, and more ice cream, often with peanut butter
2. potato chips, (the ruffles kind, salt and vinegar, the expensive kind with exotic flavors) with whipped chive cream cheese on them
3. really creamy hummous on rice cakes or pita
4. chocolate, dark or white, preferably with peanut butter
5. pickles of course...

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. when i'm 64, the beatles
2. denzel's special song for our unborn baby all about her name
3. jingle bells
4. michelle ma belle, the beatles
5. other beatles songs too numerous to list
(basically i'm terrible at singing and have a bad memory but the beatles were part of my childhood.)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. get a huge new place, like a brownstone or building in our current neighborhood with a great baby room, lots of storage, a studio for me that's ideal, a great studio/workroom/music room for denzel, an outdoor space for doggie and us and a wonderful roof top and great basement!!!
2. pay off all my debts immediately and invest some of the money wisely...
3. plan a wonderful trip (maybe a short two week one for now before baby last minute and one for when she is around 8 months old to take her with us) and find the perfect caretaker for elvis who will take extra good care of him and have a lot of vet knowledge while we are away to housesit as well in the above mentioned mansion!
the trip would probably include a visit to japan
4. help out some starving artist friends with money, not purely a gift, but as an investment in their projects to help them get the projects off the ground...
5. buy land and build a really cool country house that denzel would design!

Five bad habits:
1. laziness, procrastination and disorganization, they all go together for me
2. eating too much ice cream and unbalanced diet, even and especially while pregnant
3. not putting things away, general slobbiness
4. self hatred
5. complaining and worrying

Five things you like doing:
1. being with my dog
2. drawing and painting
3. nothing (literally, i like sitting and doing nothing, staring into space and not moving)
4. camping with denzel
5. watching the food network channel

mess...

where do i start? i've had a shitty day. it's been terrible weather and i've been sitting in front of the computer doing frustrating work that takes forever and in between spending hours on my taxes which are also frustrating and awful. i won't go into detials but basically i've been angry all day and in between felt like bursting into tears. and now the apt. is a mess again and we just had it cleaned yesterday...
poor elvis had a crappy day too due to the horrible rain. his first few walks consisted of standing in front of the building avoiding getting wet and finding a few places to do his business. i just took him for a wet nonrainy walk around the block. he's so low to the ground that even with his coat on he somehow gets a bit wet. but at least he could move around...
my big highlight of the day was searching the neighborhood for ice cream and other foods to satisfy my cravings and bad mood.
time to go eat: grapes, fontina cheese, special potato chips (we discovered this boulder brand on vacation that has amazing flavors like salt and malt vinegar), and vanilla chai flavored ice cream. (i went to 3 places to try to find ben and jerry's new flavor cinnamon buns that is so great and seems like it was invented for pregnant ladies but alas, to no avail...)

a fantasy moment in bipolar pregnancy...

late night post...

it's actually sat. early almost 1am my time... happy st. patty's day. actually i'm not too psyched about this holiday. love the irish but i live on a block with an irish bar that gets annoyingly rowdy, spilling onto the sidewalk, on regular weekends. it's not fun going out there to walk elvis and having to deal with rude underage drinkers. so st. patrick's day is extra awful adn there will be vomit on the sidewalk to avoid especially while walking the doggie...

i decided to alternate comic strip posts with writing posts and hope to post about twice a week as i need the extra support. it's been a very tough week, dealing with moodswings, no meds and additional stress of pregnancy emotions and whatever hormones are running around in me.

my head is back on, did not end up in the trash!

i went to see my psychiatrist's backup. he's on vacation. she was great, very supportive and nice, spent an hour wtih me on wed. and gave me her cell number in case of emergency. we talked about possibilities of taking medications but none of those options were too great and i was managing to cope better by then with the depression and extreme anxiety and fear of losing it/falling apart/getting into a mixed state.

basically prozac is safest but could cause mania. then i'd have to take haldol which gives awful side effects and makes it impossible to function. (i took it for two days this summer and had to stop...) and i can't take cogentin or the other meds to get rid of those side effects...

so it seemed best to follow her other recommendations to replace medication. such as going to therapy again, which i was already considering, lowering my stress and avoiding watching emotionally difficult movies and shows, avoiding stressful conversations and allowing myself to relax, not trying to accomplish too much, being nicer to myself, going to yoga, etc...

so i'm returning a few netflix dvds that seem like they'd be disturbing. started therapy with a new person yesterday. (probably will put something in the comic strip about that.) he seems very nice and comforting, just what i need right now... and i've been allowing myself to be lazy, sleep late, take extra naps etc.

elvis is always a good relaxing being to hang out with and certainly the least likely to get me into any kidn of stressful conversation!

and denzel has been super extra sweet. brought me two bouquets of flowers, calling to check in during the day, sitting with me at night, offering to get me a prenatal massage, buying special juice and foods that i like etc...

the worst of it is over. just need to chill out and recognize that being pregnant on no meds is no picnic...

to end on a good note: great pregnant find, my new favorite juice: all natural cranberry and pomegranite, organic, yum!

lazy lazy lazy pregnant lady...

hi everyone,
thanks for all the great comments. i can't believe i've been so out of it and unable to keep things going that it's been a total of 12 days since my last post...
i even finally did a comic strip a few days ago but i've been too lazy to scan and upload it,
so i thought i better get something up here now before people give up on visiting this blog. i seem to be more paranoid, or at least caught up in fantasizing that people are thinking things about me, a sort of sign of grand ol' narcisissm...
elvis told me to get off my pregnant ass and post. he's in fine form, actually sleeping soundly at the moment as is denzel. it's almost 1 am and i have the end of my 12 weeks insomnia can't get to sleep at night thing going on. same thing happened last night. i chose to lie on the couch and watch "little miss sunshine" again while finishing a baby blanket for a friend.

ok, so that's my big excuse! i organized a small baby shower for a friend that's happening tomorrow and then of course this evening got depressed and annoyed at myself as i had no energy or motivation to clean up the place and get it ready for tomorrow. all my ambitions of making fun decorations and welcoming posters went down the drain but i managed to clean up a little.
i'm excited to wear my new dress, green with apples all over it, a recent impulsive ebay purchase, but not so bad as it's worth over $100 and i got it for 25$. can still fit into most of my clothes...

so some updates on the pregnancy:
almost at week 13! that means the first trimester almost over and the fun best one begins! i hope i'll have more energy. the indigestion has subsided a lot. i've been lucky to have no morning sickness at all, just my regular awful excema and IBS that i had before anyway.
so far no mania, just a bunch of ups and downs with anxiety and irritability, grouchiness, mild dips in mood that don't last long and some nice sunny happy feelings and lots of good days, i am grateful for.
plus the big news i'm grateful for is that the CVS test came out fine. no genetic abnormalities, and since i got it out of the way about a week ago, i won't need to have an amnio!!! super good news for me as i'm super squeamish.
the CVS was stressful but i wont bore you with the details. highlights were dealing with an overly full bladder, having it done with a needle in the abdomen, and getting to see the little one moving lots beforehand...

i'll post the comic soon and you can read about my fascinating cravings. pickles and mint chocolate cookie (ben and jerry's of course) ice cream are the very latest. i love ice cream anyway but the baby is definitely into the mint flavors which i do not normally go for. i tend to go for chocolatey flavors but the baby has not been wanting any of that...

the newest odd thing is feeling like my belly is really expanding. at times i am kind of delusional and think it feels and looks gigantic already. then sometimes i look in the mirror and see that it's not that much bigger and most people who don't know me would have no idea i'm pregnant. it, the belly, feels much different though. it's a bizarre sensation, i'll try to describe it in a comic strip soon. it's also funny at times i want to tell total strangers that i'm pregnant, most of the time i refrain. there's a weird back and forth between wanting it to be obvious and feeling like it's too early to look really pregnant and wanting it to be a secret that isn't physically obvious and only my friends, family and blogfriends know about it...

also, we just found out the gender because the CVS test shows all the chromosomes. but i'll wait to do a comic strip about it and keep you in suspense to make sure you have reason to come back soon!
sorry for the text. i know the pictures and color are more exciting and a quick read.
elvis will be back soon in full form. his spring grooming is coming up in a week, so that will be big news...

oops... we missed last week's post...

we'll post again this week soon to make up for our laziness. the cold weather and pregnancy mixed together make for procrastination and frequent napping...

100 things about me and elvis...

i see people do these lists and thought i'd try one. but please read the comix from yesterday's post and comment there as it was a very big announcement for me!

1. i am pregnant and due in sept. of 2007
2. the baby will be a virgo born in year of the pig
3. elvis is a leo born in the year of the monkey
4. i am not married and don't want to get married
5. denzel and i will be together until one of us dies
6. i'll probably live longer
7. i think i will live to be about 111 years old. i had a psychic premonition about it.
8. i was depressed in high school but did not tell anyone
9. i went to a therapist for the first time my second year of college
10. i had my first manic episode when i was 20.
11. i became psychotic and was hospitalized.
12. i had another big episode several months later when i was travelling.
13. i was hospitalized in a clinic in paris.
14. the clinic in paris was good. the hospital in new york was awful.
15. in new york they tied me to the bed in a room alone.
16. i thought i was in heaven waiting for everyone in the world to die.
17. after everyone died my ex boyfriend i was still in love with was supposed to come and rescue me.
18. i started taking lithium after the second hospitalization.
19. i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder.
20. i was put on haldol during both hospital times.
21. haldol sucks. i felt like a zombie.
22. i was still manic after i got out of the hospital in nyc.
23. since then i have had many manic episodes and mixed states but never gone to the hospital again.
24. i found elvis in a pet store when i was manic.
25. this is exhausting and i'm only on number 25.
26. when i was five i told my mother, "i'm never getting married and i'm never having kids."
27. i'm afraid of needles, procedures, examinations and doctors.
28. i quit therapy about two years ago after 12 years with the same therapist.
29. i got pregnant a year and a half ago by accident and had to have an abortion because of the medications.
30. i went to a group therapy of people with depression and bipolar in 1999.
31. i talk a lot but i'm shy and don't like meeting new people.
32. i'm more comfortable with being around one or two people.
33. i hate going to big group dinners.
34. i've always been very rebellious and don't like being told what to do.
35. elvis hates rain and baths.
36. when elvis was a puppy he was scared of canes and umbrellas.
37. elvis is very jealous of denzel.
38. i don't like going away because i don't like leaving elvis behind.
39. i am very vain about my hair.
40. it's been less curly now that i'm pregnant.
41. i hate the cold weather.
42. i am lazy and procrastinate things.
43. i like lying in bed and hiding from the world.
44. i've become more open to country music.
45. i'm listening to roseanne cash's new album black cadillac right now.
46. i have a terrible sweet tooth.
47. i don't like exercising and have not done any in months.
48. i love walking everywhere.
49. i hate driving and don't have a driver's license.
50. i failed the driver's test twice a long time ago.
51. i don't have any motivation to get a driver's license and enjoy having other's drive me places if i have to get in a car.
52. i'd like to live somewhere that has no winter.
53. when i was in college i said i was never going to move back to new york.
54. i moved back to new york several years after college and have been living here ever since.
55. i love taking baths.
56. i love camping outdoors.
57. i have a phobia of going away from home and have to be forced to go on vacation.
58. elvis cannot go up and down the stairs because of his back and knees so i have to carry him.
59. elvis is one of the top ten reasons for getting up in the morning.
60. if i did not have elvis i would truly be out of shape.
62. i'm not sure how i will take elvis and the baby out at the same time as i have to carry both down the stairs.
63. i'm afraid of post-partem depression.
64. i never thought of myself as maternal until now.
65. i've had fantasies of giving birth to a dog.
66. i'm hoping to have a girl but of course a healthy boy will be just as great.
67. the times i'm most anxious about are the first year of the child's life and then the teenage years.
68. i think the happiest year of my childhood/teenage years was age 7.
69. i have tried lsd and psychedelic mushrooms and some other things.
70. my lsd trip was really crazy and intense and later i realized it was similar to a manic episode.
71. there are a lot of things i could say on this list that i will not.
72. my first crush on a famous unavailable person was david bowie.
73. my first crush on a real unavailable person was a friend of my brother's. i was four years old.
74. my brother is nine years older than me.
75. the first person i kissed was a scottish boy two years younger than me.
76. i was sixteen and in germany on a summer program.
77. i had a crush on a sweedish guy my age and wished it had been him.
78. elvis bites the air repeatedly when he wants a walk.
79. elvis does not mind this cold weather.
80. i wish i had a backyard for elvis. he is so happy to go outside.
81. last time i was manic i cried because i felt so bad that elvis' life is so limited.
82. last time i was manic i got a whole idea for a story from taking elvis out and staring at the pee from other dogs on the sidewalk.
83. i still have not written and made the pictures for the story.
84. it's called the grey day.
85. about ten years ago i got an idea for a children's picture book called "the flying poodle".
86. elvis was the main character and he flew places.
87. his owners in the book hired a medium to follow him in a magic chair to find out where he was going.
88. i start many things with good ideas and manic enthusiasm but then give up on them.
89. i feel dissatisfied with my success thus far in life.
90. i wonder sometimes if i had not been bipolar would i have accomplished more of my goals by now.
91. i like taking days off and staying home wasting time and hanging out with elvis.
92. i sometimes think of myself as an underacheiver.
93. i am afraid of certain people reading this blog and figuring out my real identity.
94. i'm craving a cappucino right now.
95. i love watching old movies from the 30's.
96. if i had a past life i was around during the 20's. i was a silent movie actress and died young.
97. i am not and have never been a morning person.
98. at one of my jobs i'd have to get there by 8:30 and i would find time in the morning to lie on my coat in my office and nap.
99. i feel very blessed and happy that i'm with denzel and we're having a love child!
100. elvis is one of my top inspirations to be a better more loving person.