a mess...

i've been a mess. horrible night last night. i've intended to post but haven't managed it. hope to make a comic strip this weekend.
in brief, freakouts, crying non stop, uncontrollable laughing, insomnia, eating late at night to try to make myself calm down and sleep followed by acid reflux involving vomiting in my mouth and swallowing it twice. eventually sleep, waking up early, then crying again.

biggest challenge of my bipolar pregnancy...

i've been wanting to express this in comic strip form for a while; it somehow could have come out better, but it's the best i can manage at 1am...
it is confusing enough dealing with bipolar episodes and constant monitoring of whether i'm manic, hypomanic, depressed, psychotic, mixed state etc. whether on or off medications, but being pregnant and bipolar throws in a real extra challenge -- hormones!
then the question becomes "am i being normal crazy hormonal pregnant or am i being crazy made more nutty by hormones but not at all norrmal for a pregnant lady at al, in other words, bipolar crazy and pregnant at same timel..." in some ways it's not that difficult. when i have symptoms that women describe having after having the baby or when they have postpartem issues, but i'm still pregnant, i know this ain't normal for being pregnant... when i feel crazy but it turns out, as denzel puts it "you're just exactly normal for being knocked up and so many months along! how does it feel to be just like everyone else at this stage! ha ha. i know how you hate to admit you're going through the same stuff every other hormonal pregnant woman goes through!!!" he likes to rub that in. i do admit that if i'm going to suffer through being bipolar and pregnant, at times i enjoy that i'm having a very unusual pregnant experience that brings me to deep levels of awareness of all the transformations i'm going through and that most pregnant women are protected from going to these places and lucky in that they don't suffer the torments of it, but at the same time they don't get the special experience of being so in touch with all this intense unconscious material that if you live through it without destroying yourself, the fetus and your partner and anyone else along the way, is quite an extra special experience... along with that i also get to have all the other regular normal pregnant hormonal stuff. so sometimes i confess i bask in my own admiration of my special crazy and pregnant status. i can't get too grandiose because denzel is around to bring me back down to earth...

sleepless nights...

i'm planning to do a comic strip, even perhaps tonight as i continue to suffer from late pregnancy insomnia. yesterday was worse. i couldn't sleep and i was in pain and discomfort and feeling freaked out. then i got hives again, which is starting to be almost daily, usually i wake up in the morning itchy with hives on legs or legs and arms. one time last week i woke up at 3am and had terrible itchiness and hives that was almost gone by morning but it was hard to get back to sleep. turns out hives are another lovely part of pregnancy especially in last trimester. i know it's nothing i'm eating different. i guess i'm allergic to being pregnant!
this is one of my complainy posts. keep in mind that i'm greatful that i've survived thus far on no meds and i'm aware i'm doing a pretty good job considering. one of the nice things my pdoc said in our last session was to tell me to keep in mind that i'm doing a great job as a mother. i of course protested that i wasn't yet a mother. and he said that i was and had taken great care of the baby thus far. it was so sweet and heartfelt and really meant a lot to hear that from him.
anyway back to my moaning. last night was terrible as the fake contractions were quite uncomfortable and she was moving so much. she likes to move when i get in bed and try to go to sleep. like, now she's not moving, but if i lie down she'll start her party. usually i get a kick, pun intended, out of her shifting and moving around but not when i get in bed and try to sleep. i ended up takign another bath late last night to try to get comfortable but got hives after and sat on the couch for another couple of hours trying to read and distract myself. poor denzel got woken up and unlike me he was not able to sleep late this morning.
my best sleep hours are after elvis' morning walk if i have an hour or more to go back to bed. by then the 'baby" i know she's still a fetus but she feels like a big ol baby, is calmer and not moving around as much and the pain is gone.
now it's after midnight and i feel ok but i'm not tired. maybe this sleeping issue is supposed to prepare me for not sleeping soon.
but last friday night i had a really bad short lived episode that i was convinced was partly caused by only getting four hours of sleep the night before. i really felt like a mental patient and my behavior was quite crazy. luckily denzel was very caring and sweet when he realized i was having a meltdown. i wont go into details but i had paint all over my face and legs and finally erupted into uncontrollable crying and was feeling so crazy i didnt know what to do with myself. i was full of self hatred and fear and thoughts that i couldnt have the baby.
that has since passed but the weekend was rough.
on a nicer note today i went to denzel's office and they had planned a surprise shower for him. he had no idea i'd show up. all his coworkers were very sweet and they gave us really adorable generous gifts and the cakes were great. cake is super important when you're pregnant, especially ice cream cake. one of his coworkers had gotten some cakes shaped like baby booties and stuff like that. i'm already looking forward to sampling the leftovers for breakfast as i had two peices of ice cream cake at the shower (one for me, one for baby of course) and no room for more cake.
the only issue with all these nice gifts and showers is that i'm not naturally organized, so dealing with thank you notes is rough. we still have to figure out some of the gifts that somehow we cant remember who gave us and cant find cards that go with it.
this baby girl is already a clothes horse and isnt even here yet! i must say my fantasies about having a girl and enjoying all the clothing are totally living up in reality. i get a total kick out of every little outfit, and as we have tried to avoid too much pink, it's really great because she has some kickass outfits in all different colors, including cute hand me downs from my nephews. boy baby clothing is cute for girls just as much as all the cute dresses and the pygamaz (new fun spelling)! i wish they made some of those footsie pjs for adults too...
so i'll end on this up note. i'm also planning to try this weekend to make her a baby book by copying some stuff out of a store bought one in a blank journal and decorating the cover and all the pages and then taking the store bought one back to the store. i hope i get it done. i still have to finish her blanket that i started making...

More Confessions...

the bigger confession I should have drawn a comic strip of was an earlier sin I committed today. (funny how as a jewish superstitious atheist i freely employ all this dramatic wording from other religions, esp. these days, the catholics with "confessions" and "sin"... one thing i've gotten even more comfortable with due to pregnancy is all my inconsistencies and total contradictions...)

anyway earlier today i purchase a pair of designer sunglasses on sale, still at a high cost though they were more than half price. there was no need for them. even if i eventually have money to turn them into prescription sunglasses and wear them as regular ones until them, i do not need them. but they were ultra cool looking and i enlisted a friend who has kids herself and is trying not to spend extra money to tell me they looked great on me and stand there while i bought them.

this is not a purchase to be making with only weeks left before baby girl arrives, when i am in debt and will need extra money in the first couple of months of motherhood. on the other hand i'm sure the baby will be happy to see me stroll her down the street in her new lightweight stroller wearing those sunglasses and the sandals i got a few weeks ago in bright colors to match her stroller. she will be delighted and thinking, this was a very necessary purchase. i was there when you made it and got a nice rush of excessive spending high from you, thanks mom... of course this is not something i will be doing when she is here outside my belly.

also getting ready to get rid of another major sin very soon. the tv! i grew up with no tv and we both want to get rid of our tv and bring up baby without tv. i'll stil want a screen of some sort to watch movies on as i do not consider my film interests to be bad influence on baby and they are easier to keep away from her. i returned my baby einstein dvd after reading that article that came out and realizing it's best of all to just read to her and have denzel play music and sing to her...

otherwise going through all kinds of ups and downs and emotions. yesterday i passed the vet elvis goes to and saw a vet tech walking a little cute doggie with one of those plastic shades on her head and practically burst into tears. not sure if it was seeing the elizabethan collar on the dog or somehow missing elvis' baby days or some kind of reminder of times elvis has been in the vet or sick. almost cried on the subway tonight after intense therapy session...

having weird dreams again like i did in the beginnign of being pregnant...

the long block finally ended...

not feeling too well. stressed out and kind of dizzy, but i wanted to post these before lying down...